other quotables

Paul Farmer, from Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder:

"I can't sleep. There's always somebody not getting treatment."

"But [many people] think all the world's problems can be fixed without any cost to themselves. We don't believe that. There's a lot to be said for sacrifice, remorse, even pity. It's what separates us from roaches."

"The physicians are the natural attorneys of the poor, and the social problems should largely be solved by them."

"Medical education does not exist to provide students with a way of making a living, but to ensure the health of the community."

"It is the curse of humanity that it learns to tolerate even the most horrible situations by habituation."

"The fact that any sort of religious faith was so disdained at Harvard and so important to the poor--not just in Haiti but elsewhere, too--made me even more convinced that faith must be something good."

"It should be enough to humbly serve the poor."

"That's when I feel most alive, when I'm helping people."

quotable

From Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom:
"There's this salesman and he knocks on a door. The man who answers says, 'I don't need anything today.' The next day the salesman returns. 'Stay away,' he is told. The next day the salesman is back. The man yells, 'You again! I warned you!' He gets so angry, he spits in the salesman's face. The salesman smiles, wipes the spit with a handkerchief, then looks to the sky and says, 'Must be raining.' That's what faith is. If they spit in your face, you say it must be raining. But you still come back tomorrow."


"Look. I know what I believe. It's in my soul. But I constantly tell our people: you should be convinced of the authenticity of what you have, but you must also be humble enough to say that we don't know everything. And since we don't know everything, we must accept that another person may believe something else."


"But you can touch everything and be connected to nothing."


"Some of our greatest problems in ministering to people is that they knew us back before we came to the Lord."


"Mitch, I am an awful person. The things I have done in my life, they can never be erased. I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments...The things I've done, God would be justified. God is not mocked. What you sow, you reap...You can't work your way into heaven. Anytime you try to justify yourself with works, you disqualify yourself with works. What I do here, every day, for the rest of my life, is only my way of saying, 'Lord, regardless of what eternity holds for me, let me give something back to you. I know it don't even no scorecard. But let me make something of my life before I go...And then, Lord, I'm at your mercy."


"But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain--no matter how smart or accomplished--they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, when is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart."


"In hell, people sat around a banquet table, full of exquisite meats and delicacies. But their arms were locked in front of them, unable to partake for eternity. 'This is terrible," the man said. 'Show me heaven.' He was taken to another room, which looked remarkably the same. Another banquet table, more meats and delicacies. The souls there also had their arms out in front of them. The difference was, they were feeding each other."


"God sings, we hum along, and there are many melodies, but it's all one song - one same, wonderful, human song."


Interesting thoughts on faith and God. This book traced the different spiritual journeys of a Rabbi nearing his death and a criminal-drug addict turned pastor and found the common thread between them and other faiths. It gives you that warm tingly feeling inside after you read it because you've discovered that world is more similar than different (which is true), but I wonder if faith can be generalized so simply. Are we really just all singing the same song but different melodies? I don't think I can agree to that statement, maybe because it sounds a bit cliche, but mainly because I know that even though we could all be believing in the same God, every other faith does not know what it is like to accept that God's love for mankind. That by accepting His love for us, we have been made right in His eyes and are able to be united with Him once again. We all believe in God and hum along to His song, but is our melody one that brings the utmost praise and glory to His name for the love He has shown?

lessons, pt 2

From the lesson of trust comes the lesson of humility. This semester, I have been very self-centered. I guess it follows with being a senior and making plans for the future. You end up thinking more about what's ahead instead of what's in front of or around you. I have slacked in many areas and forgotten many people. I have seen how big my ego can get and how fast it can be crushed. Most of the past two months has been spent thinking about what will happen in the next two to four years. And for what purpose? Definitely not to seek glory for God. It's been mainly something along the lines of: how will this benefit my career? how can I make myself more marketable as a competitor? how can I gain a great reputation and achieve goals that leave a lasting impact? Sadly, none of these questions have been answered, but for good reason. I was foolish to set out so much for myself and leave nothing for God. I kind of just tagged on the "this is for God" part at the end of every explanation to myself and others, but I really did not think about it at all. Now, that many things have already played out, I look back and realize how meaningless all that planning for myself was and how self-absorbed all of it made me. 

It's really mind-blowing to see lessons that you learned in the past and stored as "knowledge" being played out right before your eyes. I learned three years ago what it means to "glorify God" and "do His will", and I always thought,"Yea, I definitely try to do that every day." But at that time, the things I gave to God were so small in comparison to things I struggle with today. It is easy for me to say, "Praise God for all the blessings in my life," and mean it but still push Him to the background. The only way for me to break the cycle is to recenter my life around God. That sounds so simple, but what does it mean? For me, that is having a more Godly purpose for each day of my life, responding to His grace by repenting of my sin, and living with a kingdom-minded agenda. Above all else, I need to be humble enough to receive God's love and share it with those around me. 

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 2:3-5

lessons

Senior year has not been easy. I don't know why I believed whoever told me that it would be because it has been probably my most challenging semester at Rice, academically, emotionally, and spiritually. There have been many firsts this semester and tough lessons to be learned. One is on the concept of trust.

So at the end of last year before going to Urbana, I had been struggling with trusting God and having joy in that. I could "trust" God but I had no joy knowing that everything was in his control. I thought after Urbana I had understood more about what that meant to trust Him, and I guess I did because by the middle of that spring semester I was ok with not following through with my lifelong dream. I didn't really know what to expect at that point in terms of post-graduation plans, but I felt a sense of peace momentarily. So going along with my happy self, trusting that God had a good plan for me, I think at some point I got things confused and instead of actually trusting God I was just avoiding the problem all along--which was that I had lost my passion and motivation for my dream. I didn't really have faith that God would bring back that passion and so I started doubting in other areas too, and that led to me doubt almost everything I did. I became so caught up in trying to do the "right" thing and getting things perfect. Because I had lost "control" of that area of my life--my future plans--I tried to replace it with other things--namely academics, which is why this semester I cared more about school than I ever have. I tried to justify myself by thinking, "Just as long as this one area is good, I still have a reason for persevering," but it fell short too, and along the way, I sacrificed time with God and time with family. I think I realized how self-centered I can become without even trying.

So back to the lesson of trust. I can't say I have learned what it means, but God has definitely used this semester as a test to see how much I actually do trust Him (which is not very much). Lord, sometimes it is painful to trust you. It is painful knowing that I can't hold onto what I want but that I must trust that what you want is greater and better. It hurts to let go of academics and career and relationships all for the sake of following you.  Please show me what it means to find the most joy and satisfaction in trusting you like your Son did when He died on the cross for us. I tried to grasp onto just one thing in this world, one thing that I have planned out so carefully from since I was in grade school, and it has almost completely escaped me. Show me how to be mindful of your ways and not mine, to put you first and myself last, to trust in you with all my heart.

do i have a thankful heart?

Savior, what can be said,
what can be sung
as a praise of Your name for the things You have done?
oh my words cannot tell,
not even in part,
of the debt of loved that is owed by this thankful heart.

balaam's donkey

Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, with his drawn sword in his hand. And he bowed down and fell on his face. And the angel of the LORD said to him, "Why have you struck your donkey these three times? Behold, I have come out to oppose you because your way is perverse before me. The donkey saw me and turned aside before me these three times. If she had not turned aside from me, surely just now I would have killed you and let her live." Then Balaam said to the angel of the LORD, "I have sinned, for I did not know that you stood in the road against me. Now therefore, if it is evil in your sight, I will turn back."
- Numbers 22:31-34


God tells Balaam not to go with Balak to curse the Jews. Balak increases his reward to follow. God says he can go the next time they ask him, but he can only say what the Lord commands. Balaam leaves without ever being asked again. On the road, Balaam's donkey stops three times because she sees an angel standing in front of her holding a sword. Balaam, oblivious to what's going on, beats his donkey three times to get her to keep going, but then realizes that it is God standing in his way.

When I read this story, I just kept thinking about how many times I have acted like Balaam and ignored the voice of God prodding me to move away from my own path to take on His. Like Balaam, I always justify my actions and convince myself that what I am doing is what God "wanted" me to do but just didn't say it. Even though I take on God's will for my life, secretly I still have my own agenda. It's like walking along with God but sneaking in my planner so that I won't forget what I need to do next. Balaam listened to God by refusing the first time, but because now there was a reward involved, he twisted what God said (to only go if they asked him again), and interpreted it to meant that he could go as long as he said what God told him. He was still enticed by the honor and reward he would receive, so he carried his own agenda while "attending" to God's plan for him.

What is my agenda? There's is too much in my life that I want to go well: career, relationships, family, ministry, outreach, etc. And it's not like I want to disobey God's word, (i.e. seek wealth, strive for security, shirk my ministry, stay within a Christian bubble, etc). I just have my own goals for different areas of my life, goals that I deem to be "worthy" of God. But often when I do this, I trick myself into thinking that my relationship is strong with God because I keep doing "good" things, but in reality, I only do these "good" things because they were on my agenda, and I wanted to. I just tag along the God part to justify it.

How do I eliminate my agenda completely? I don't think I have the answer. It's something I have struggled with from day one of new life. It is impossible for humans to become that humble. We can't do it in and of ourselves. But the first step to humility is recognizing what is greater than us, and although that includes a great number of things, the biggest is God and his glory. If we never comprehend that, we will never come underneath Him and serve His kingdom. So I end with this,

I will bless the LORD at all times;
   his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
   let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
   and let us exalt his name together!
- Psalm 34:1-3

One week and two months ago

I left the United States to go to Lesotho for an internship. Today I look back and remember tiny fragments of what was a most beautiful painting of life. Even though my students will probably never see this because they do not have access to the Internet nor any knowledge of such a website, this is a dedication to them as just a small token of my appreciation.

I told all of you not to cry on the last day of class because I wanted you to celebrate how much you've accomplished in the last six weeks. I also said that because I didn't want to cry. ...But that did not happen, and it's ok. You were more than I could have ever asked for as students, and I thank God a thousand times over for placing you in my life at such an opportune moment. Thank you for showing me how to teach (I thought I knew through tutoring, but I really didn't), dance and sing in Sesotho, cook, take life easy, enjoy myself, and go crazy. You are the true teachers, and I was honored to be your student. Most of you have had very hard lives, and I commend you on your strength and courage to persevere. I'm sorry that I could not have been of more help to you. Thank you for keeping our class lively and fun -- you were the reason I wanted to come every single day. I am so proud of all of you and the work that you showed in our class. You have great potential to achieve your dreams. Above all else, thank you for making it easy to love you. I did not know it was possible to pour out so much of one's heart to a group of people so different from myself. By God's grace, you have become brothers and sisters to me, and I care for each and every one of you deeply. I pray that you share this love that God has given me with those around you. Show them Jesus Christ through your words and actions, and you will be most blessed. Thank you, my friends, for making this love created by our Savior so beautiful.

thoughts from lesotho

The day I left for Lesotho, the Lord showed me this passage in Ephesians:

“…praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” (Eph 6:18-20)

He reminded me that even though I am going for a secular purpose, to teach critical thinking to high school students, I have a higher, spiritual purpose as a follower of Christ. I must constantly pray for the courageous spirit to share the gospel with my students and the people I befriend in my two months there. He also has called me to continue praying for all the saints, to not forget the family and friends back home, and to lift up their requests to the Lord. Without much distraction here, I hope my prayers can help sustain my walk and keep loved ones in my heart.

“And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.” (Phil 1:9-11)

May we come to know what true love is and in turn find joy in our obedience and service to God. May our work be pleasing to the Lord so that when Christ returns we have the assurance of being pure and blameless before Him.

gleeful

Lately, I've been playing Glee songs on repeat on my iPod. I can't explain why but I guess watching the show and listening to the songs remind me of how I have always wanted my life to be a musical. I'm not sure if I could take my life seriously if that happened, but a girl can dream :).

Lately, I've been running a lot more. Every morning after I watch Jonathan and Allyson go on the bus to school, I start my running routine. With each stride I take, I feel the breeze and the coolness of the early morning. As I pass by houses and trees, my eyes fixate on the ducks waddling around, the birds searching for today's food,  and I find something new each time I pass by. It reminds me how beautiful Creation really is.

Lately, I've felt less stress and anxiety. I guess that's what summer feels like. I can't believe I have forgotten this feeling that I used to have when I was young. Seeing my brother and sister so carefree brings back sweet memories of the days when I would just go outside and play to my heart's desire with my little friends. I think the sad (maybe?) part is that even with all this free time my life doesn't actually look any different, and I end up wasting a lot of it.

I'm thankful for all of this and more. It blows my mind every time how good God is to us if we just set our hearts on Him. We forget about every suffering we have in life and every problem we have that burdens us, and we just focus on Him. Lately, God has been trying to get my attention, and even though I constantly ignore Him, whenever I do take the time to enjoy Him, there is no better feeling and state of mind.

gleeful = full of jubilant delight; joyful
...maybe the creators of Glee know what they're doing.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:6-7

I feel like this verse just keeps popping up in my life, but it is something that I desperately need to follow.

reflect

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
- Isaiah 26:3

The idea of perfect peace has always attracted me. It was the reason I came to Christ ("Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened..."), and it is what I most long for in life. Sometimes I feel as if I have almost found it, just barely grasping onto it before it slips away again, and other times I feel so far from it. This year of college has been a constant search for perfect peace.

Junior year has been a time of self-awareness for me, realizing my spiritual gifts, flaws, and weaknesses and striving for what is holy. But I guess through it all my trust in the Lord has grown immensely. Looking back a year ago as I was starting to take MCAT classes, I remember thinking to myself, "What would I do if medicine wasn't in God's plan for me?" and following up with, "I think I would cry myself to death." It's crazy to see how much I have changed just within this year, how my focus and passion have shifted from just wanted to pursue medicine as a career to wanting to serve God in whatever capacity that may be. He has given me a confidence that I have never had before. This confidence allows me to look into the future and not be scared of what may come. But it didn't come very easily.

Last semester, I struggled a lot with finding peace and satisfaction in trusting God. I remember at Urbana I saw the worship leaders talking about finding joy in trusting God, and I could see it from their faces that their words were coming from their heart. It caused me to be frustrated with myself because I could not find that same joy in trusting God even though I knew it was the best thing for me to do. It was after Urbana and coming back to school that I decided to really follow what Isaiah was saying, the man who is kept in perfect peace is the one whose mind is stayed on God. So I pursued God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I did what I knew would please Him. I spent time with people, getting to know them on a deeper level, I entered discipleship, I reached out to some of my non-Christian friends, and I continually prayed. This is not saying I became a perfect follower because I did all of this; I definitely, if anything, started feeling burned out, like all that I was doing was in vain. I realized that I actually was far from focusing on God because so many times when I did stuff was it for a self-seeking purpose. God only made a cameo at the beginning and faded out once things started rolling. It wasn't until Easter that I saw how much sin was creeping into my life, and Jesus brought me to my knees in humility. From then on, it hasn't been easy, but God has been molding my heart to fit his more and more. He has been opening my eyes to see the value of discipline when desire is lacking, investment in brothers and sisters as well as nonbelievers, and work for His and only His glory. I have been able to place more trust in God, knowing that there will be fruit to come of my labor.

I feel tremendously blessed by CCF, and seeing how people have been growing is just incredible. I think this year I have really felt the power of the body of Christ in encouraging and spurring each other on. Though I didn't admit it often, during the times when I was weak or on the brink of burning out, I felt the encouragement and power of prayer from my brothers and sisters. It really touches my heart to see such a loving community care for one another and really pour out their lives. I hope that we can continue to grow as a body and strive to spread God's love to the world around us.

I hope that I can trust God even more with my life, present and yet to come, and love Him and his people even more with the grace that He gives through Christ Jesus our Lord.

getting well

"Do you want to get well?" I should think the answer would be rather obvious, but seen through a spiritual lens, as this man perhaps would have (John 5:6), it's anything but rhetorical. I mean, if you could be healed of lust or greed or anger or pride or lying, would you really want to? Just like this crippled man whose identity was defined by his disability, our lives too are arranged around such moral furniture and would look quite different without them. And what if "getting well" spiritually meant a painful amputation of a beloved habit, the denial of a personal passion or the death of a dream? Would you still want to be well? When the patient is our souls and not our bodies, everything changes. The issue is no longer "Can Jesus heal?" but "Do I want to get well?"

- Rick James from Jesus Without Religion

on this Easter Sunday

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. i do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it...What a wretched [woman] I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!


I didn't know if I should share this because it seemed emo and angsty, but I think it's something that God has been trying to show me in the last couple of months. It might end up being a very long entry...

Recently, I have been feeling very content with my life. Everything has been going pretty well; family's alright; friends are good; I've been building closer relationships; school is going well. There really isn't much I could be complaining about. However, something didn't feel right. I kept hearing God telling me, "It's not right to feel content. Beware of these feelings." I couldn't explain to people what I was feeling because it didn't make sense to me either. "Why would I not want to be in this state of contentment?" I asked myself. With much thought, I realized what was wrong. I couldn't find sin in my life. There wasn't anything that I really need to repent of. I had not wronged anyone and did not commit any crimes, and I was still "close" in my relationship with God. But I knew it was a problem that I could not see any blatant wrong in my life.

I think, as Christians, in our process of sanctification, we move away from the "big" sins in our life and start to lose sight of the deep-seated sins that eat away at our inner beings. Sins that hide themselves so carefully in our personalities that we think they are "just a part of our character". We don't notice them because in comparison to others we are "alright". And I think that's what got me.

It wasn't until my best friend was sharing with me her sins and being really humble and open about them that I realized how many times I "repented" but didn't really mean it. She told me how so many times she asked God for forgiveness, but she wasn't sincere about it, didn't really feel the words that she was expressing. It convicted me of the countless times where I would seek forgiveness, "feel better", and then go about my normal life, practically forgetting what I confessed. Those sins that I repented of stayed with me, and to explain myself, I would say that these sins are "hard to fight off", that it is a "slow learning process". But who am I to say that and place God's power to overcome sin at a lower level than it should be? If His power is how the Bible tells it, my sins should disappear like they did in Jesus' time when he healed the beggars and the crippled. So, it surely wasn't because my sins would take longer to overcome; my heart just wasn't sincere to God.

So, within this last week (God really has good timing), so many different sins have been surfacing and making themselves known to me. These are things that I do almost by second nature and that when I do know they are wrong, I don't feel the need to repent because, heck, everyone does it. But God was still tugging at me, asking me to really consider what I need to do have the broken and contrite heart that David had when he sought forgiveness after his act of adultery (Psalm 51). It wasn't until Good Friday service that God really shook me and made me turn to Him for forgiveness. Even right up to service, I was just happy-go-lucky, ready to take on the world attitude, but a few songs into the service, and my heart could not take it anymore. There was one song that stood out to me and really made me feel like the sinner that I am.

I gave My life for thee, My precious blood I shed,
That thou might ransomed be, and raised up from the dead
I gave, I gave My life for thee, what hast thou given for Me?
I gave, I gave My life for thee, what hast thou given for Me?

My Father’s house of light, My glory circled throne
I left for earthly night, for wanderings sad and lone;
I left, I left it all for thee, hast thou left aught for Me?
I left, I left it all for thee, hast thou left aught for Me?

I suffered much for thee, more than thy tongue can tell,
Of bitterest agony, to rescue thee from hell.
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee, what hast thou borne for Me?
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee, what hast thou borne for Me?

And I have brought to thee, down from My home above,
Salvation full and free, My pardon and My love;
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee, what hast thou brought to Me?
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee, what hast thou brought to Me?

Lord, forgive me, a sinner. My life is imperfect, dirty, and full of sin. Forgive me for all the times I've broken your heart, for idolizing others, cheating, judging others, disrespecting, and ignoring You. I am truly sorry for never offering you any gifts, never giving you anything for all that you have give me. I am sorry.

God revealed the wondrous love that He has for me, the irresistibility of His grace. How even as a sinner, He loved me from the before, and He loves me all the more now. It really broke my heart to know that nothing I had done up to this point could even possibly compare to what He has given to me. Even our most righteous acts are like filthy rags to Him who is perfect. Really feeling the magnitude of this, I sensed the weight of my sins and how hurtful and painful they were for God to see.

Lord, I am overcome by your love. There's no greater love than this. Jesus, thank you.
I'm sorry for disappointing you so much. It hurts to know that it is not me who hurts the most but it is your soul that breaks to pieces because of my transgressions. For that, I am sorry, truly, truly sorry. I want to be your good servant. Please help change my ways, make my paths straight, help me to see with truth and light. I will be set free by your unfailing love. Let me give back to you what you have given to me. Even if it cannot ever compare, let my heart be forever yours, forever sacrificed for you.

This Easter, the Lord has been good to me. Overwhelmingly good. Through His death and resurrection, I have gained new life, and this life is not to be taken lightly. It is precious, sacred, and full of Christ's love. Without the resurrection, this whole sin equation would be incomplete. I wouldn't be able to look past the wrongs that I have committed, but thanks be to Jesus for through his resurrection I may gain new life to the fullest! Our Redeemer lives, as Job proclaims, so that we may be redeemed and live a life resurrected in Him.

turn and be saved

"To the question: what must I do to be saved? the old gospel replies: believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. To the further question: what does it mean to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ? its reply is: it means knowing oneself to be a sinner, and Christ to have died for sinners; abandoning all self-righteousness and self-confidence, and casting oneself wholly upon Him for pardon and peace; and exchanging one's natural enmity and rebellion against God for a spirit of grateful submission to the will of Christ through the renewing of one's heart by the Holy Ghost.

And to the further question still: how am I to go about believing on Christ and repenting, if I have no natural ability to do these things? it answers: look to Christ, speak to Christ, cry to Christ, just as you are; confess your sin, your impenitence, your unbelief, and cast yourself on His mercy; ask Him to give you a new heart, working in you true repentance and firm faith; ask Him to take away your evil heart of unbelief and to write His law within you, that you may never henceforth stray from Him. Turn to Him and trust Him as best you can, and pray for grace to turn and trust more thoroughly; use the means of grace expectantly, looking to Christ to draw near to you as you seek to draw near to Him; watch pray read and hear God's Word, worship and commune with God's people, and so continue till you know in yourself beyond doubt that you are indeed a changed being, a penitent believer, and the new heart which you desired has been put within you."
- J.I. Packer


This is quite possibly the most beautiful account of repentance and salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord that I have ever encountered.

a perfect habitation

My heart longs to be a habitation fit for Thee, a place where peace reigns, and love can flourish, a heart where you will feel at home.


as i thought about these lyrics, i wondered to myself, "is my heart fit for Christ? is it a place where peace reigns and love can flourish? would God feel at home in my heart?". it made me realize how imperfect my habitation was and how the space i have saved for God in my heart would not be a place where He could live joyfully. there is just all this messed up stuff in it, like a messy teenager's room. dirty clothes all over the place, food left over from days ago sitting at the desk, and a dingy smell embedded into all the furniture. it is a place where hatred and judgment lie in all the little tiny cracks, the ones you ignore whenever you clean. worry and anxiety rest on top of the dusty shelves that you're too lazy to brush off. how could God live in this place? honestly, He can't. but by His grace, i desire to clean up my heart, to dedicate all of it to Him who has shown me infinite, unconditional love. for Him, i want to be clean and make a place where He can dwell. my heart longs to be a habitation fit for Christ.

but how do i clean up my heart? it needs to be a place where peace reigns and love flourishes. peace reigns where there is full trust in the Lord, for the Lord will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in Him (isaiah 26:3). peace is where worry and anxiety have been cast off and faith and hope in God's will has taken over. peace will come when i trust in the Lord as my rock and my protector. love flourishes when we are devoted to one another and when we honor each other above ourselves (romans 12:10). it is present when we love others and He lives in us and His love is made complete in us (1 john 4:12).  love will flourish when i learn to lay my life down for others. i am far from accomplishing any of these things, but the Lord has placed this desire on my heart for a reason. He knows that i want to clean up my heart to someday make it the place where He will feel most at home. and i will...in time and with steadfast faith.

encouragement

Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
       for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
       You are my God; save your servant
       who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
       for to you, O Lord,
       I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
       abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O LORD;
       listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
       for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
       no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
       will come and worship before you, O Lord;
       they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
       you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O LORD,
       and I will walk in your truth;
       give me an undivided heart,
       that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
       I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
       you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
       a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
       men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
       slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
       grant your strength to your servant
       and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
       that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
       for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

this past week i have given much to my Lord. i never imagined being tested in this way, but God works in mysterious ways, and out of it, i have learned to trust in Him more. His word has been my encouragement and has blessed me in abundance. this prayer of david echoes my sentiments and helped me to get through the rough times, to see joy in what i was doing, to have strength through His power, to give praise to the one and only God who can do such marvelous deeds and wonders. To Him be all the glory, forever and ever.

bless the Lord, oh my soul

As I procrastinate on completing my to-do list...I shall blog!

I will bless the Lord at all times;

his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord;

let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me,

and let us exalt his name together!

- Psalm 34:1-3

So I never made an Urbana post, and I feel like it's a little late to be posting all about it, so I shall say a little about my experience and the lessons I learned. Maybe it'll even become a mini series heh.

It's funny (or sad, depending on how you look at it) that I didn't really understand what "bless the Lord" meant until recently. I always thought, "Why do we need to bless the Lord? Doesn't he already have all that he needs? He doesn't need our love, why would he need our blessing?" Seems logical right? But, I guess I never knew the full meaning of bless. Dictionary.com says one definition of bless is "to extol as holy; glorify". That pretty much explained it. We give blessings to glorify our God, and the praise and thanksgiving that we give make up those blessings we lift up to Him. At Urbana, I was able to see a glimpse of what v.3 of this psalm describes, "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!" It was heavenly to see so many people from all over the world come together to worship one God, and all during that time we would give praise to His name; we would bless Him. Jesus said that when two or three (in this case, 17,000) come in my name, there I will be. He was there with us. What an awesome feeling. I remember a friend mentioned to me how it was crazy that this one stadium is for 5 days housing God's people, and then in an instant it can be changed back to whatever else it is used for (sports games, conventions, etc). It just goes to show how the kingdom of God can convene anywhere, and there God will be.

So before anything else, let us bless the Lord with the fullness of our heart.