moving to wordpress?

Still contemplating if I should transition to wordpress, but I haven't fully committed yet. Although I have started one. If you're interested, it's pencilledthoughts.wordpress.com. If you would like to read the more protected posts, please ask me.

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I've decided to make the move.

even when my affections change, I know he is unchangeable

"He changes not in His attributes. Whatever the attributes of God were of old, they are the same now. And of each of them we may sing, As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end, Amen. Was He powerful? Was He the mighty God when He spoke the world out of the womb of non-existence? Was He the Omnipotent when He piled the mountains and scooped out the hollow places for the rolling deep? Yes, He was powerful then and His arm is unpalsied now. He is the same giant in His might. The sap of His nourishment is still wet and the strength of His soul stands the same forever. Was He wise when He constituted this mighty globe, when He laid the foundations of the universe? Had He wisdom when He planned the way of our salvation and when, from all eternity, He marked out His awful plans? Yes and He is wise now. He is not less skillful, He has not less knowledge. His eyes which see all things are undimmed. His ears which hear all the cries, sighs, sobs and groans of His people, are not rendered heavy by the years which He has heard their prayers. He is unchanged in His wisdom. He knows as much now as ever—neither more nor less. He has the same consummate skill and the same infinite forecasting. He is unchanged, blessed be His name, in His justice. Just and holy was He in the past—just and holy is He now. He is unchanged in His Truth—He has promised and He brings it to pass. He has said it and it shall be done. He varies not in the goodness, generosity and benevolence of His nature. He is not become an Almighty tyrant, whereas He was once an Almighty Father. His strong love stands like a granite rock unmoved by the hurricanes of our iniquity. And blessed be His dear name, He is unchanged in His love. When He first wrote the Covenant, how full His heart was with affection to His people. He knew that His Son must die to ratify the articles of that agreement. He knew right well that He must rend His best Beloved from His heart and send Him down to earth to bleed and die. He did not hesitate to sign that mighty Covenant. Nor did He shun its fulfillment. He loves as much now as He did then. And when suns shall cease to shine and moons to show their feeble light, He still shall love on forever and forever. Take any one attribute of God and I will write semper idem on it (always the same). Take any one thing you can say of God, now, and it may be said not only in the dark past, but in the bright future. It shall always remain the same—“I am Jehovah, I change not”—impressed on His heart it remains."
- Charles Spurgeon

step 1 reflections

It's been a crazy two months, but a two months where God made himself known every single day. Most of what he has done I don't deserve considering how negative I was through most of it, but I guess that's why they call it grace. When I look back, all the days blur together along with the moments I felt weakest and unable to move forward. But through it there were always glimpses of hope, like light piercing into darkness, that propelled me to keep at what I was doing and not forsake my God. There were some key lessons I took away that I hope will remember and be able to apply in the future.

1. Jehovah Jireh, the Lord will provide - there were many days where failure led to discouragement which led to doubt and every time my thoughts were led astray to doubt God's character I remember how God kept his promise to Israel:

Thus the LORD gave to Israel all the land that he swore to give to their fathers. And they took possession of it, and they settled there. And the LORD gave them rest on every side just as he had sworn to their fathers. Not one of all their enemies had withstood them, for the LORD had given all their enemies into their hands. Not one word of all the good promises that the LORD had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass. (Joshua 21:43-45)

2. Prayer is power - one day that stands out to me was the moment where it was the hardest to keep going and I had a panic attack, but that same day a friend emailed me and encouraged me with prayer and scripture. The following days were much of the same and those emails were so dear to me. They spoke truth and love just when I needed them and the prayers of many helped carry me through to the end

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ. (Philippians 4:6-7)

3. Ultimate glory awaits those to put faith in Christ Jesus - no matter what happened each day or even when I find out my score, whether it is a joy or a sorrow, I will still rejoice and not lose faith that my salvation is assured.

So we do not lose heart. Though our other self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4: 16-18)

seems like I only speak in music lyrics now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free 
Holiness is Christ in me 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

thorns

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

unbelief and anxiety

And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"...And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer." (Mark 9:23-24, 28-29)

I believe that God can help me, but I don't always believe he will. Studying for this board exam has been a test of my faith (and it's only like, what, day 3?). Do I believe God will carry me through this? No. Do I believe I can get through this? Not really. Do I get stressed and anxious just thinking about what I have to do? Absolutely.

I know this it the work of the enemy -- it is him getting at my weaknesses and insecurities and magnifying them in my head. It is him taking advantage of my fears and causing me to not trust God with them. It is him lying to me and telling me that I cannot do this. And right now he's winning. I am like the father in this story who wants to believe that Jesus will save his son but still has unbelief.

Today at church the pastor preached on how Jesus teaches us to pray in Luke 11 and how we often do not approach the throne of God because we don't know God well enough. We don't believe that he is our father, who loves us, who is able, who cares for us enough to stop everything he is doing to listen to our meek voices. Part of me believes that right now and this is when I really need to remind myself that this is not true. God cares. He really cares. He cares so much that he sent Jesus to die for us and give us eternal life with him. Life fails us, but the gospel will never fail us. Remember that, Susan.

...casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)