making the best use of time because the days are evil

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. - Ephesians 5:15-17

Time can sometimes be my biggest enemy and temptation. It is what gives me the excuse to put relationships with family and friends on hold, to push aside the call to serve in church ministry, to postpone the future. One piece of advice we received as MS1s was that it's okay to tell your parents or friends that you will be busy and won't have time to always talk or hang out with them. Looking back now, that might have been the worst advice I've ever received, for it was an open invitation to exclude myself from others and make my time a selfish pursuit. Yes, this period of my life is meant to be a student first and foremost, but I don't believe that means everything else becomes second-class.

This year, more than ever, I have had to fight against that temptation to make "my" time (i.e. studying, school, personal solitude, de-stressing) the most important. When I do do it, there leaves almost no room for anything else. The busyness of school tempts me to say, "Let's talk in 3 weeks...when I am done with my test," to a friend who may be in need of an immediate listening ear. The feeling of always catching up on schoolwork drives me to put off other "less important" things in my life. Everything ends up being about how the world can fit into my schedule.

I forget that this time was never mine to begin with; it is God's. And I have been reminded that no temptation is given to us that is not common to man, and God will always provide a way of escape so that we may endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). This temptation of time is no different. I will never get less busy, and my days will never be less filled. I cannot make excuses for myself, and loved ones cannot make excuses for me (even though it may seem the natural thing to do). God has provided a way out for me -- this life is not my own, nor is the time I have. I must look carefully at how I walk, making the best use of my time, and understand the will of the Lord. Correct me if I'm wrong, but school/career/studying is not the crux of my life. If God has placed something or someone else my way, an opportunity to fight for a cause, a friend who seeks to know Him, or a teenager who yearns to grow in the truth, how can I refuse? How can I place myself above everything else? The excuse that I will be able to do all these things and more once I finish residency is unfounded. I cannot let what the world claims dictate the pattern of my life. God will provide for the seemingly impossible -- to create more time -- because he has always done so in the past and will do much more so in the future!

singleness, part 2

One day as I was driving back in traffic, I decided to listen to a sermon to pass the time. It was by David Platt on singleness (if you haven't heard him speak before, he's pretty awesome). I was wary at first that it would be one of those numerous messages pastors preach on singleness, but a couple minutes into it I was pleasantly surprised by what he shared. He talked from the passage in 1 Corinthians 7 about marriage, widows, and the unmarried. What especially struck me was verses 17-19 which reads, 

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God.

He later went on to say that so many people talk about singleness as a gift, yet unlike any other gift, singleness is the gift no one wants to actually receive. Most people say, "No I definitely don't have the gift of singleness. I like girls/boys too much." And they say it in a way that makes the gift undesirable, almost like a punishment. But we forget that many good people were single, namely Paul and Jesus Christ himself. Did Christ live a life of singleness as if it was a burden that God gave him? No, he wasn't defined by his relationship status--he lived for God and his commandments. The same applies to Paul. When people treat singleness as if it is a spiritual gift that only a select few people receive, they miss out on what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians. They see it as a one time gift, but I think (and David Platt says) that it is a period of our lives characterized by singular dedication to serving the Lord and and devoting our time and attention to Him. Yes this period is a gift, not because we know we are never getting married and it doesn't bother us, but rather because it is a unique time in our life where no other person stands between us and our Creator. I fail to see that so often. I have always thought of singleness as that unwanted gift and that this period of my life would pass very soon. Never did I realize that that mindset crippled me and made me a slave to marriage, to finding a God-fearing husband, and to a future family that loves the Lord. These things are not bad in themselves, but when I place them between me and my Creator, they are a stumbling block. This period of my life, however long or short it may be, is precious and cannot be wasted seeking my hopes of marriage and family.

I'm still working through what this all means practically, but I know that I need to guard my thoughts and keep them in the word, preserving myself as a vessel of honor for Christ. When these thoughts take over my attention and time, God's word will remind me that my singleness is for his glory and to be used and not wasted. It is gift to be cherished like any other gift the Lord blesses me with. Finally, I need to remember to trust that if God has set aside a partner for me or if he hasn't he will always provide to the fullest.

Singleness is not a burden to bear but a joy to live, and nothing outweighs a life dedicated to the Lord, whether single or married.

singleness

This is a topic most people don't like to talk about because it's harped about too much, or at least that's why I don't like to talk about it. But here I go. This is something I need to do for myself.

Someone asked me today, "Do all these weddings that you go to make you feel the pressure?" My half-joking response was "no", but in reality I do, especially as I see more and more people my age getting engaged or married or even in committed relationships. I never feel jealous of them (definitely a praise), but it does make me reflect on my own life and stirs up a longing in my heart and a curiosity about when my time will come (if it is coming). It's in those times that I turn toward articles about singleness or blogs written by people who have "been there" and saturate my mind with the thoughts and opinions of others. Sometimes it's useful, but most of the time it just provides some sort of emotional support to tide me over until the next time I fall into the "when-will-I-get-married trap".

So I try to avoid the topic whenever possible. Friends and family help with that because out of respect or fear of bringing up a sensitive topic they avoid it as well. But if I have ever learned anything from God, it is that avoidance is never the answer. So I will try to be frank and lay out my thoughts.

From a young age I was aware of my singleness. In high school, my best friend and I made "Singles Awareness Day" shirts for Valentine's one year and wore them to school. I was proud to not be tangled up in a relationship like many of my friends were. There was nothing about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend that I found desirable, and I thought guys were pretty immature. Then college came and right off the bat I felt the weightiness of being single. All my friends were meeting people they were interested in and started dating. At the moment I thought they had all found the one, but actually none of them are with that person anymore (except for A and G). I wallowed in my singleness for a good while until I realized that God was preserving me and keeping me from a relationship. I had just become a Christian, and it would definitely have not been a good idea to start another relationship as well. So praise God for that.

I started getting comfortable in my singleness and finding contentment in it. This was a time that I could serve God, know more of him, and invest in others. I didn't need a boyfriend to carry me through the hard times -- I had friends and family and God, of course. But then we started talking about relationships and how to have a God-honoring marriage at church, and my views started shifting. I saw how marriage is a good thing because it teaches you to be like Christ as you learn to sacrifice your own needs for others and to love them unconditionally. I want to be like Christ; who doesn't? So my singleness started to bother me more. By this time I also had a good number of friends in committed relationships so that also played into it. As senior year drew to a close, I knew that this was it. Med school was game over for relationships. After I get out of that, I would be like 40, and you can't have kids at 40--that's dangerous, man. And when would I find the time to meet someone and get married? Consequently, my thoughts caused me to stress and be anxious about my future, and I really felt the pressure. But I had other things to keep me occupied and it didn't bother me too much.

Then the wedding season, or rather decade, came up. I love weddings, don't get me wrong, and I probably cry at every single one of them, but something broke within me. Each friend I saw getting married was one less friend I could spend time with on a regular basis, one less person who was in the same boat as me. Now they had their spouse as a priority, and other life events would fill up their time. Even now when most of my close friends aren't married yet, I still struggle with the fact that they all will one day be married to their significant other and it makes me hold back on how invested I am in our friendship. And I tell myself to get used to this because you may end up single for the rest of your life. End of story.

Just kidding, to be continued...

growing pains

I never watched the 80's sitcom, but taking from the title, the family probably had their share of ups and downs. Family has always been an understated blessing for me -- they are there for me when I am at my lowest to pick me up again, and they love me more than anyone else can. There have always been unresolved issues between people, but those are usually ignored when possible. Since accepting Christ, I have felt a spiritual and emotional split from the rest of my family. Times when I rejoiced in the Lord but couldn't express it to them, other moments when I struggled with my faith and couldn't turn to them for guidance and wisdom. Yet despite this little kink, they are still the most important people in my life.

This past week we vacationed in the "most magical place on earth", Disney World. In the midst of happiness and fun, we managed to have the biggest conflict we've ever had and experience the brokenness and pride in each of our hearts that precipitated this event, and I performed the most extreme act that I never thought possible--I walked away from my family. As I turned my back on them in utter disappointment at myself, the situation, and each of them, I walked away without hesitation. It was scary how easy that was and how little regret I felt doing it. For so long, I have felt like the outsider looking in, and it seemed almost natural for me to be the one who would leave. I was so fed up and done with all the tension built up over the last ten or so years of my life. Walking away was the only answer I could come up with in the heat of the moment.

Little did I know that my one action was the straw that broke the camel's back and nearly caused my dad to fall apart physically and emotionally. My phone received a frantic and anxious call from my mom who demanded me to come back because my dad was stricken with grief to the point he could no longer walk. As I rushed over, I couldn't bear to see him in such a condition. He leaned over the short metal railing fighting to catch his breath. I didn't know what to do at that point. I didn't know that I had hurt him so much. But that night wasn't the big climax.

The next morning we had a family meeting in our hotel room to talk about what happened. As my dad talked, he brought up three take-away points. First, we all need to look carefully at ourselves and examine our selfish attitude toward family. Second, (this was mainly for me), walking away from family never solves the problem, but only worsens it. Last, we, as a family, must support each other first and foremost above anyone else. Then he did something that I could not comprehend: he praised me for the planning and organizing I had been doing for the last several days and asked my family to applaud me for my work. At first I couldn't accept it and started crying, but then I realized that this is what forgiveness and grace are. This undeserved love that I received even when I had wronged all of them the previous night was more than I could handle. The first and last time I experienced this so powerfully was when Jesus brought me out of darkness into the light. I didn't deserve a new relationship with God, but Christ still offered it. I didn't deserve my family's love and forgiveness, but they still gave it. I felt like the prodigal son who left his family for selfish reasons and came crawling back only to be praised and received with love. What amazing grace!

I always thought that I was supposed to be the one who shows the love of Jesus Christ to my family. I never imagined my family would be the ones to point me back to the gospel.