moving to wordpress?

Still contemplating if I should transition to wordpress, but I haven't fully committed yet. Although I have started one. If you're interested, it's pencilledthoughts.wordpress.com. If you would like to read the more protected posts, please ask me.

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I've decided to make the move.

even when my affections change, I know he is unchangeable

"He changes not in His attributes. Whatever the attributes of God were of old, they are the same now. And of each of them we may sing, As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end, Amen. Was He powerful? Was He the mighty God when He spoke the world out of the womb of non-existence? Was He the Omnipotent when He piled the mountains and scooped out the hollow places for the rolling deep? Yes, He was powerful then and His arm is unpalsied now. He is the same giant in His might. The sap of His nourishment is still wet and the strength of His soul stands the same forever. Was He wise when He constituted this mighty globe, when He laid the foundations of the universe? Had He wisdom when He planned the way of our salvation and when, from all eternity, He marked out His awful plans? Yes and He is wise now. He is not less skillful, He has not less knowledge. His eyes which see all things are undimmed. His ears which hear all the cries, sighs, sobs and groans of His people, are not rendered heavy by the years which He has heard their prayers. He is unchanged in His wisdom. He knows as much now as ever—neither more nor less. He has the same consummate skill and the same infinite forecasting. He is unchanged, blessed be His name, in His justice. Just and holy was He in the past—just and holy is He now. He is unchanged in His Truth—He has promised and He brings it to pass. He has said it and it shall be done. He varies not in the goodness, generosity and benevolence of His nature. He is not become an Almighty tyrant, whereas He was once an Almighty Father. His strong love stands like a granite rock unmoved by the hurricanes of our iniquity. And blessed be His dear name, He is unchanged in His love. When He first wrote the Covenant, how full His heart was with affection to His people. He knew that His Son must die to ratify the articles of that agreement. He knew right well that He must rend His best Beloved from His heart and send Him down to earth to bleed and die. He did not hesitate to sign that mighty Covenant. Nor did He shun its fulfillment. He loves as much now as He did then. And when suns shall cease to shine and moons to show their feeble light, He still shall love on forever and forever. Take any one attribute of God and I will write semper idem on it (always the same). Take any one thing you can say of God, now, and it may be said not only in the dark past, but in the bright future. It shall always remain the same—“I am Jehovah, I change not”—impressed on His heart it remains."
- Charles Spurgeon

step 1 reflections

It's been a crazy two months, but a two months where God made himself known every single day. Most of what he has done I don't deserve considering how negative I was through most of it, but I guess that's why they call it grace. When I look back, all the days blur together along with the moments I felt weakest and unable to move forward. But through it there were always glimpses of hope, like light piercing into darkness, that propelled me to keep at what I was doing and not forsake my God. There were some key lessons I took away that I hope will remember and be able to apply in the future.

1. Jehovah Jireh, the Lord will provide - there were many days where failure led to discouragement which led to doubt and every time my thoughts were led astray to doubt God's character I remember how God kept his promise to Israel:

Thus the LORD gave to Israel all the land that he swore to give to their fathers. And they took possession of it, and they settled there. And the LORD gave them rest on every side just as he had sworn to their fathers. Not one of all their enemies had withstood them, for the LORD had given all their enemies into their hands. Not one word of all the good promises that the LORD had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass. (Joshua 21:43-45)

2. Prayer is power - one day that stands out to me was the moment where it was the hardest to keep going and I had a panic attack, but that same day a friend emailed me and encouraged me with prayer and scripture. The following days were much of the same and those emails were so dear to me. They spoke truth and love just when I needed them and the prayers of many helped carry me through to the end

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ. (Philippians 4:6-7)

3. Ultimate glory awaits those to put faith in Christ Jesus - no matter what happened each day or even when I find out my score, whether it is a joy or a sorrow, I will still rejoice and not lose faith that my salvation is assured.

So we do not lose heart. Though our other self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4: 16-18)

seems like I only speak in music lyrics now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free 
Holiness is Christ in me 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

thorns

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

unbelief and anxiety

And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"...And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer." (Mark 9:23-24, 28-29)

I believe that God can help me, but I don't always believe he will. Studying for this board exam has been a test of my faith (and it's only like, what, day 3?). Do I believe God will carry me through this? No. Do I believe I can get through this? Not really. Do I get stressed and anxious just thinking about what I have to do? Absolutely.

I know this it the work of the enemy -- it is him getting at my weaknesses and insecurities and magnifying them in my head. It is him taking advantage of my fears and causing me to not trust God with them. It is him lying to me and telling me that I cannot do this. And right now he's winning. I am like the father in this story who wants to believe that Jesus will save his son but still has unbelief.

Today at church the pastor preached on how Jesus teaches us to pray in Luke 11 and how we often do not approach the throne of God because we don't know God well enough. We don't believe that he is our father, who loves us, who is able, who cares for us enough to stop everything he is doing to listen to our meek voices. Part of me believes that right now and this is when I really need to remind myself that this is not true. God cares. He really cares. He cares so much that he sent Jesus to die for us and give us eternal life with him. Life fails us, but the gospel will never fail us. Remember that, Susan.

...casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

penultimate day of school

It's amazing that I'm almost done with "school" school - no more classes where I will be sitting in a lecture hall listening to a professor. No more days where I will be passively learning through syllabi or slides. I still can't believe I made it this far in medical school. The only one who can receive the credit is God himself. I would have quit months ago. But I see the steady transformation of a frightened and hesitant first-year medical student into an eager soon-to-be clinical student, and I am blessed. If God can change my heart, how much can he do for you!

the Philips

God has placed this wonderful family in my life and their journey has been an incredible encouragement to me. I just wanted to share a little glimpse of how Christ-centered their ministry is. If you want to read more about them, their blog is christoandmelissa.com

Miguel’s life put into focus something God has laid on my heart more and more clearly over the past few years about full time Christian work vs part-time or vocational work. I’ll begin by putting out my thesis – I think this dichotomy of full-time vs part-time work/ministry is a false dichotomy and one that I don’t find Biblical evidence for. I started thinking about this issue over the past few years because several times I’ve been asked by those in the Christian community when I would do full-time ministry work vs continuing in a secular profession like medicine. At first, I tried my best to answer that question with this response: “There are those who are called to full time ministry – leading and teaching from the Word, while there are others who are called to primarily work in a profession and then through that lead people to Christ. I would consider myself in the latter group.”

After a few times of answering that question, I became more troubled by that answer and felt that my answer was not Biblical or honoring to God. It was as though I elevated ministerial work – preaching and teaching the Word as more spiritual than the mundane work that everyone else did. I want to begin this discussion with a disclaimer. I’m in no way suggesting that there is not value or a unique role that people who are called to full time teaching and preaching perform in the spiritual life of the church. Clearly we see multiple examples in the Bible of apostles who spent the vast majority of their life exhorting the church and teaching Christians sound doctrine. In fact, those that are gifted as preachers, pastors, teachers and counselors have a very unique role to play in giving the church exhortation and keeping the Word of God central in the life of the Christian. However, I do call into question the notion that people are somehow higher on the spiritual totem pole when they do those primary tasks compared to everyone else who works their Monday through Friday secular job. In many Christian churches, we expect that as people grow in their walk with God, then naturally they should eventually come to a point where they leave their secular careers and move into full time ministry if they are really spiritual.

I think this idea is wrong and counterproductive to how we as Christians can continue to have a deep and changing impact on the society around us. Too often we take cover from our secular workplaces and shelter behind the cloistered walls of the church. When in reality the battle for peoples’ hearts and minds and the redemptive function of the church to care for the wounded and minister to the physically, emotionally and spiritually sick through mercy, love and justice take place outside those walls.

When we leave behind a vocation and the skills it brings with it, we are also leaving behind the relationships and opportunities they provide by working in a secular workplace among both believers and non-Christians alike. The bulk of non-believers will never wander aimlessly through the doors of a church on a Sunday morning but they are willing to do a number of activities and hold numerous conversations about the philosophical and mundane with the people who fill their daily lives.

As we have now attended several churches during our years of training, I have been saddened to see so many of the most committed Christians leaving behind their jobs and professions to pursue full-time ministry which so often means completely divorcing themselves from their previous training. I’ve seen bright agricultural and industrial engineers, businessmen, computer scientists, teachers, nurses who have left their professions to do primarily church planting or teaching work. Although, I’m sure many of them felt a direct calling that God was asking them to take up church based work, I wonder how many of them did that because they felt pressure from the Christian community because that was what spiritual people are supposed to do.

I think we have to adopt what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” Whatever I do – be that I may be a preacher, teacher, janitor, doctor, nurse, engineer, accountant, hair dresser, or cashier I do my job in such a way that it brings glory to God. God wants His church to be a blessing to the people, communities and countries we dwell amongst and that blessing often takes place through people doing their jobs…when businesspeople create or lead businesses, when teachers teach, when nurses nurse, when cleaners clean, when builders build. Any work can be done to the glory of God and in a unique way that reflects His impact on our lives and the work we do should be for the betterment and blessing of the people around us.

My challenge to those that have endured my musings so far is this: What if God has asked you to stay where you are, in your sphere of influence, in your profession and use that to declare the amazing and redeeming work of the Gospel? To those in business, how can you use your skills to start businesses, foster the running of a company well that show the Biblical qualities of integrity, hard work and servant leadership? How many people can you impact by doing your work as a business person so well that the people around you who are not Christians come to you when their relationships at home are broken, when they are sick, when they are scared about the future? What if God has called you to be an engineer? Can God use your work as an engineer, with all the stresses that go with it, the multiple people you interact with, as an avenue to build authentic relationships with those who don’t yet know the Savior? What if God has called you to be a farmer? Can you work with honesty, care for your neighbor, giving your extra to those who don’t have enough and hard work say much about the God you serve? What if God has called you to be janitor? Can the work that you do silently behind closed doors so that others have a clean place to work, eat and sleep be exalting to God? Can the clean floors and toilets demonstrate the diligence to your work and the pride you take in doing it well, point people to the one who humbled himself to take the state of lowly man?

As Dr. Martin Luther King wrote, “If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

So as I think about reaching the world and living missionally, I think they are two sides of the same coin. You reach those around you by living your life in the profession God has called you to in such a way that your work is found of such outstanding quality that it points people to the person of Christ. Your work and character should be so excellent that there should be no doubt to others that any good in you comes from the transforming work of Christ. In the same way, perhaps the best way to reach the world is to take what you already do and do it in a different context. If you are a lawyer why not use your skills to advocate for the poor and those that are oppressed in our cities and around the world? Why not use your skills to free those in physical and sexual slavery? If you are an accountant why not take your skills as an accountant to a developing country that struggles with corruption and do your work in such a way that they see that a Christian accountant is different because he or she is a man of integrity? If your profession is as an engineer why not use your skills to develop the world in such a way that we are good stewards of the world around us while at the same time providing for affordable and dependable homes for those that have none? The examples are countless! God does not need you to quit your profession and do something different for the Gospel, in fact sometimes the most effective way to reach those around us is to take your skills and just use them in a place where a Christian has not served before. Many times your profession will open doors into a country that is otherwise hostile to the message of Christ.

devotion

God of my end, it is my greatest, noblest pleasure to be acquainted with Thee and with my rational, immortal soul; it is sweet and entertaining to look into my being when all my powers and passions are united and engaged in pursuit of Thee, when my soul longs and passionately breathes after conformity to Thee and the full enjoyment of Thee; no hours pass away with so much pleasure as those spent in communion with Thee and with my heart.

O how desirable, how profitable to the Christian life is a spirit of holy watchfulness and godly jealousy over myself when my soul is afraid of nothing except grieving and offending Thee, the blessed God, my Father and friend, whom I then love and long to please, rather than be happy in myself! Knowing, as I do, that this is the pious temper, worthy of the highest ambition, and closest pursuit of intelligent creatures and holy Christians, may my joy derive from glorifying and delighting Thee. I long to fill all my time for Thee, whether at home or in the way; to place all my concerns in Thy hands; to be entirely at Thy disposal, having no will or interest of my own. Help me to live to Thee for ever, to make Thee my last and only end, so that I may never more in one instance love my sinful self.

- Puritan prayer

someone

Sometimes I wish there was a person in this world who understood me close to the level that God understands me,
someone who could listen and not be tired,
someone who is always there when you need him/her and doesn't leave until you're done,
someone who loves you just the way you are but helps you become the person you want to be,
someone who sits with you in the silence and laughs with you in the good times,
someone who knows you.

I know that if I already have Jesus in my life, it doesn't make sense for me to want something less, but sometimes my little human mind can't wrap around how much this big God satisfies my every need and I let my flesh win and I wish for that someone.

the Holy Spirit

And when he comes, he will convict world concerning sin and righteousness and judgement. - John 16:8

I didn't realize this before, but when I first attended CCF and shared my story with a bunch of then-strangers, it was the Holy Spirit who convicted me of my sin and God's righteousness. I didn't even see it until after I had shared everything and was left with just myself in brokenness before the throne of God. The Lord works in mysterious ways, no? The Holy Spirit interceded on my behalf with groanings too deep for words (Romans 8:26), and he asked according to God's will that I might be convicted of my sin and turn and believe. 

physical and spiritual healing

"When we are struggling with serious illness, there are Bible passages that seem to promise more than we may feel that we have the right (or the faith) to ask. James exhorts us to pray for sick persons with this promise: “the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up” (James 5: 15). How can we offer such a prayer in faith when we know of faithful Christians with seriously ill loved ones? Begin by believing that God always answers this prayer too.

Lest you think that I have put God in a box and am proposing to put all doctors out of business, consider the careful wording of the Bible: “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5: 15– 16). In the original language James says literally that the Lord will “save” (sōzō) the sick person and will “raise him up.” The Bible uses these words elsewhere to refer to spiritual salvation and resurrection, not simply to physical healing (see Luke 19: 10; 1 Cor. 1: 21; 6: 14; 2 Cor. 4: 14; Heb. 7: 25).

James makes the spiritual connection even clearer by including the command to confess sins as part of the process of praying for healing. God’s ultimate purpose is to secure the eternal health of the one who is sick. Whether the illness is a consequence of unconfessed sin or unhealed disease, the ultimate aim of the healing prayer is the spiritual security of the sick person whom God will “save” and “raise up.” Note that James promises not merely the healing of the disease through faithful prayer but also the healing of sin: “If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.” James is preeminently concerned about saving (in the spiritual sense) the sick person.


....With faith in God’s sovereignty over eternity undergirding our prayers, I have often encouraged others not to pray for God to heal if it is his will— as though maybe he will heal and maybe not. Instead, I encourage my friends and family to pray for God to heal according to his will. Then, whether he answers with the temporary healing that keeps a loved one with us longer, or whether he answers with the perfect healing of taking that one into Jesus’ arms, we remain confident that he has blessed."

- Bryan Chapell, Praying Backwards: Transform your Prayer Life by Beginning in Jesus' Name (emphasis mine)

chévere!

My trip to Ecuador was by all means "chévere"! Learning opportunities abounded, people were genuine and gracious, so many lives came to the Lord, and eternal relationships were built. There is one story that had an impact on me; it's nothing big, but it sums up well the things that I took away most from the trip.

Our first day in Bahia, several of us went to an AIDS hospital thinking that we were going to share the gospel with AIDS patients (sweet!). When we got there, our team's physician taught a mini-lesson on how HIV is transmitted and ways to prevent it using a handy HIV/AIDS cube. Afterwards, we shuffled out and waited for floor assignments of patients we can go see, but we found out that none of the patients actually stay at the hospital; they only come to receive ARVs. So we were kind of bummed, but the director told us that they do have other patients that we could go visit, so we decided to go and do that. Little did we know that the floor some of us were going to was the pediatrics department, more specifically we ended up where all the babies were. Babies?! Really God? Well, since God had pretty much directed everything up to this point (i.e. nothing going according to our plans) we went along with it. I came up to a tiny tiny baby, who had to be less than 15 lbs and was already 11 months old, and it was most helpless baby I've ever seen. We learned from the dad who was standing next to the crib that he had nonstop diarrhea since he was born and the doctors have not been able to figure out what was wrong with him. On top of that, he was blind. I couldn't bear to look at his poor little face because it just broke my heart to pieces. As we talked more with the dad, I could sense the utter despair he had for this little son of his. It wasn't his first child, but that didn't matter--to lose the life of any child is unbearably painful. I tried encouraging him and saying that God has a wonderful plan for this child, that no matter what happens something good will come of it, but I knew my words were empty promises, even if they were stemmed from the Word. To this father and his family, this kind of suffering was inexplicable. I asked him if he was Christian, and he said he was, and I proceeded further to offer some encouragement or semblance of hope, yet still my words held no assurance for him. I finally stopped talking and just stood there gazing at the little baby. The Holy Spirit nudged me to pray for him, so I asked if I could, and the father agreed. I don't remember what exactly I said, but as I prayed and tears came down my face, I could sense the father starting to have just an ounce of hope that his son was in God's hands. When we all opened our eyes, each of us had to wipe away the remaining tears and I saw just the slightest smile on the father's face. He told me afterwards that he would come find us when we would be working in his neighborhood. I didn't think much of it and carried on to the next person.

On Wednesday, our team headed to the village of Fanca. It turned out to be our busiest day of the entire trip. When we got there, masses of people were already waiting to greet us and hoping that we could see them and diagnose whatever ailments they had. As the day went on, I wondered if I would see the father again, but I decided to not put my hope in it. After lunch as I was seeing patients, I felt the urge to just turn around in my chair and look outside the window. Right when I turned around, the father was standing a foot away from the window waving and smiling at me. I could not believe it! He had come back and brought his wife and little boy to see the doctor! In my mind, knowing how poor my diagnostic skills were, I prayed that he would not be my patient but would be seen by the actual physician. By God's grace, my prayers were answered. During the entire examination, I would peek over occasionally to see what Dr. Kathy was doing and making sure that nothing serious was going on. After the mom had left with the baby, I went over to her and asked what she diagnosed him with. She said that he had persistent diarrhea and that the infection that caused it might have also caused the ear infection that he now had, so she treated him for the ear infection. Who knew that it was that simple? The Ecuadorian doctors had no idea what was causing this all this time, and no one bothered to do a full physical exam and check his ears. Crazy. I was so relieved that Dr. Kathy could help the family and that God had so divinely intervened in the most perfect way. After we finished for the day, I was walking back toward the bus and witness the tail-end of the first church meeting with all the new believers we had shared the gospel with that day. Immediately in the crowd I could pick out the father among them, smiling from ear to ear, waving back at me again. Whether he just accepted Christ that day or was just helping out with the pastors, I have no idea. It didn't matter to me. To see the joy on his face and know that he trusted in God's goodness and provision for his life was enough for me. What a blessing it is when we submit to God's plans and lean not on our own understanding!

Before we left the baby's hospital bed that day, the father said that he was looking for a North American godparent for his son, someone who could pray for him and support him. I knew we couldn't make promises for financial support, but I offered to pray for him. There could have been something lost in translation, but I'm pretty sure he agreed to that. Nevertheless, that family will always be in my heart and my prayers. Their struggle was a perfect example of how fallible medicine can be, how imperfect our efforts will always be, and how supreme and wonderful God's power is.

God will work when we empty ourselves of everything and let him work.

thoughts i need to jot down before they get muddled in all this studying

started a tae-bo workout...brings me back to middle school gym when i first did it.

also was introduced to this raw, honest blog written from a rice alumni who has struggled with anorexia bulimia for the past 10 years. from the eyes of a future clinician, this is such a captivating account from the patient's perspective of the struggles one can go through suffering with mental health disorders. this is such a large issue that our medical curriculum has ignored for so long and only recently incorporated more of and this blog is worth a gander : http://onegirlarmystrong.wordpress.com/

constantly witnessing God work through a friend who i now have concluded has the gift of evangelism. she really has a gift and it's beautiful to see the lives she has touched with her boldness to share the gospel

every day realizing more that why God has put me in medical school. currently learning more about the Holy Spirit and recognizing his presence in my life. a dear mentor the other day shared about how he always asks the Spirit to give him the wisdom to know which patients that day he needs to spend a little more time with/pray for/share the gospel. it was immensely encouraging to see how Spirit-driven his vocation and ministry are. i hope to someday be more sensitive to the Spirit's leading and extend the same sort of compassion he has to my patients.

and i'm also glad life of pi won several major oscar awards--it was a fantastically made movie, imo.

and now back to memorizing drugs...

for the sake of the world

Trying to create a lesson plan for teaching Christian high school students on creationism vs evolution might be the hardest thing ever. They aren't stubborn enough to believe only what they know is true but are naive enough to quite possibly believe everything you say as long as it "sounds right". It may also be because I myself don't have a great answer to that question. Back in freshman year I tried to look for the answer and never really came up with something that fit perfectly. Now, tasked with the same search for truth, except with the added pressure of 20 teenagers looking to you for answers, talk about a quick and easy way to humble oneself.

I can't claim to have the answers, and I don't want to claim I do. I know that my Savior is the only one who knows how and why the world was created. Slowly each day he reveals a little more of that knowledge to me, but ultimately my trust is still in him alone and not some theory or amalgamation of ideas. I hope I can convey that to all whom I know in this world and leave the rest of the work up the one who sits at the throne.

"Therefore, to speak strictly according to truth, we may suppose, that a disposition in God, as an original property of his nature, to an emanation of his own infinite fullness, was what excited him to create the world; and so, that the emanation itself was aimed at by him as a last end of the creation." - Jonathan Edwards

It is my prayer that the Lord will continue to fan the flame of my heart to proclaim the steadfast truth of his Son, the word incarnate, for the sake of the world.

gchat

gave it up for lent. day 1 is already pretty hard, not because i use it very often to chat with people, but more because it's just always there even when i am invisible and now it's not. i guess this is a good thing then since now i am reminded of how i need to turn to Christ. let's see how these next 40 days pan out.

I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. (Psalm 119:15)

spiritual pride

Inspired by this lady who was inspired by this man

Pride is something that we all deal with and something that I must fight with every day. Some of the points Edwards made that resonate most with me:

The spiritually proud person shows it in his finding fault with other saints, that they are low in grace and how cold and dead they are, and are quick to discern and take notice of their deficiencies.  The eminently humble Christian has so much to do at home and sees so much evil in his own that he is not apt to be very busy with other hearts.
--
Spiritual pride often causes persons to act different in external appearance, to effect a different way of speaking, to use a different sort of dialect from others, or to be different in voice, countenance or behavior.  But he that is an eminently humble Christian, though he will be firm in his duty, however different — going the way of heaven alone, though all the world forsake him — yet he does not delight in being different for difference s sake.
--

Another effect of spiritual pride is to make the subject of it want attention.  People often tend to act in a special manner as though others ought to take great notice and regard of them.  It is very natural to a person that is very much under the influence of spiritual pride to take all the respect that is paid to him.

If others show a disposition to submit to him and yield in deference to him, he is open to it and freely receives it.  It becomes natural for him to expect such treatment and to take much notice if a person fails to do so, and to have an ill opinion of those who do not give him that which he feels he deserves.

One under the influence of spiritual pride is more apt to instruct others than to inquire for himself and so naturally puts on the airs of control.  The eminently humble Christian thinks he needs help from everybody, whereas he that is spiritually proud thinks everybody needs his help.  Christian humility, under a sense of other's misery, entreats and beseeches, but spiritual pride tries to command and warn with authority.

the oasis for my soul

God's word is the oasis for my soul,
the place I retreat to when times are hard,
the voice that sounds when all is in control.
His promises keep me from being scarred,
and instead provide a comforting peace,
one that will always be and never cease.

making the best use of time because the days are evil

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. - Ephesians 5:15-17

Time can sometimes be my biggest enemy and temptation. It is what gives me the excuse to put relationships with family and friends on hold, to push aside the call to serve in church ministry, to postpone the future. One piece of advice we received as MS1s was that it's okay to tell your parents or friends that you will be busy and won't have time to always talk or hang out with them. Looking back now, that might have been the worst advice I've ever received, for it was an open invitation to exclude myself from others and make my time a selfish pursuit. Yes, this period of my life is meant to be a student first and foremost, but I don't believe that means everything else becomes second-class.

This year, more than ever, I have had to fight against that temptation to make "my" time (i.e. studying, school, personal solitude, de-stressing) the most important. When I do do it, there leaves almost no room for anything else. The busyness of school tempts me to say, "Let's talk in 3 weeks...when I am done with my test," to a friend who may be in need of an immediate listening ear. The feeling of always catching up on schoolwork drives me to put off other "less important" things in my life. Everything ends up being about how the world can fit into my schedule.

I forget that this time was never mine to begin with; it is God's. And I have been reminded that no temptation is given to us that is not common to man, and God will always provide a way of escape so that we may endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). This temptation of time is no different. I will never get less busy, and my days will never be less filled. I cannot make excuses for myself, and loved ones cannot make excuses for me (even though it may seem the natural thing to do). God has provided a way out for me -- this life is not my own, nor is the time I have. I must look carefully at how I walk, making the best use of my time, and understand the will of the Lord. Correct me if I'm wrong, but school/career/studying is not the crux of my life. If God has placed something or someone else my way, an opportunity to fight for a cause, a friend who seeks to know Him, or a teenager who yearns to grow in the truth, how can I refuse? How can I place myself above everything else? The excuse that I will be able to do all these things and more once I finish residency is unfounded. I cannot let what the world claims dictate the pattern of my life. God will provide for the seemingly impossible -- to create more time -- because he has always done so in the past and will do much more so in the future!

singleness, part 2

One day as I was driving back in traffic, I decided to listen to a sermon to pass the time. It was by David Platt on singleness (if you haven't heard him speak before, he's pretty awesome). I was wary at first that it would be one of those numerous messages pastors preach on singleness, but a couple minutes into it I was pleasantly surprised by what he shared. He talked from the passage in 1 Corinthians 7 about marriage, widows, and the unmarried. What especially struck me was verses 17-19 which reads, 

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God.

He later went on to say that so many people talk about singleness as a gift, yet unlike any other gift, singleness is the gift no one wants to actually receive. Most people say, "No I definitely don't have the gift of singleness. I like girls/boys too much." And they say it in a way that makes the gift undesirable, almost like a punishment. But we forget that many good people were single, namely Paul and Jesus Christ himself. Did Christ live a life of singleness as if it was a burden that God gave him? No, he wasn't defined by his relationship status--he lived for God and his commandments. The same applies to Paul. When people treat singleness as if it is a spiritual gift that only a select few people receive, they miss out on what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians. They see it as a one time gift, but I think (and David Platt says) that it is a period of our lives characterized by singular dedication to serving the Lord and and devoting our time and attention to Him. Yes this period is a gift, not because we know we are never getting married and it doesn't bother us, but rather because it is a unique time in our life where no other person stands between us and our Creator. I fail to see that so often. I have always thought of singleness as that unwanted gift and that this period of my life would pass very soon. Never did I realize that that mindset crippled me and made me a slave to marriage, to finding a God-fearing husband, and to a future family that loves the Lord. These things are not bad in themselves, but when I place them between me and my Creator, they are a stumbling block. This period of my life, however long or short it may be, is precious and cannot be wasted seeking my hopes of marriage and family.

I'm still working through what this all means practically, but I know that I need to guard my thoughts and keep them in the word, preserving myself as a vessel of honor for Christ. When these thoughts take over my attention and time, God's word will remind me that my singleness is for his glory and to be used and not wasted. It is gift to be cherished like any other gift the Lord blesses me with. Finally, I need to remember to trust that if God has set aside a partner for me or if he hasn't he will always provide to the fullest.

Singleness is not a burden to bear but a joy to live, and nothing outweighs a life dedicated to the Lord, whether single or married.

singleness

This is a topic most people don't like to talk about because it's harped about too much, or at least that's why I don't like to talk about it. But here I go. This is something I need to do for myself.

Someone asked me today, "Do all these weddings that you go to make you feel the pressure?" My half-joking response was "no", but in reality I do, especially as I see more and more people my age getting engaged or married or even in committed relationships. I never feel jealous of them (definitely a praise), but it does make me reflect on my own life and stirs up a longing in my heart and a curiosity about when my time will come (if it is coming). It's in those times that I turn toward articles about singleness or blogs written by people who have "been there" and saturate my mind with the thoughts and opinions of others. Sometimes it's useful, but most of the time it just provides some sort of emotional support to tide me over until the next time I fall into the "when-will-I-get-married trap".

So I try to avoid the topic whenever possible. Friends and family help with that because out of respect or fear of bringing up a sensitive topic they avoid it as well. But if I have ever learned anything from God, it is that avoidance is never the answer. So I will try to be frank and lay out my thoughts.

From a young age I was aware of my singleness. In high school, my best friend and I made "Singles Awareness Day" shirts for Valentine's one year and wore them to school. I was proud to not be tangled up in a relationship like many of my friends were. There was nothing about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend that I found desirable, and I thought guys were pretty immature. Then college came and right off the bat I felt the weightiness of being single. All my friends were meeting people they were interested in and started dating. At the moment I thought they had all found the one, but actually none of them are with that person anymore (except for A and G). I wallowed in my singleness for a good while until I realized that God was preserving me and keeping me from a relationship. I had just become a Christian, and it would definitely have not been a good idea to start another relationship as well. So praise God for that.

I started getting comfortable in my singleness and finding contentment in it. This was a time that I could serve God, know more of him, and invest in others. I didn't need a boyfriend to carry me through the hard times -- I had friends and family and God, of course. But then we started talking about relationships and how to have a God-honoring marriage at church, and my views started shifting. I saw how marriage is a good thing because it teaches you to be like Christ as you learn to sacrifice your own needs for others and to love them unconditionally. I want to be like Christ; who doesn't? So my singleness started to bother me more. By this time I also had a good number of friends in committed relationships so that also played into it. As senior year drew to a close, I knew that this was it. Med school was game over for relationships. After I get out of that, I would be like 40, and you can't have kids at 40--that's dangerous, man. And when would I find the time to meet someone and get married? Consequently, my thoughts caused me to stress and be anxious about my future, and I really felt the pressure. But I had other things to keep me occupied and it didn't bother me too much.

Then the wedding season, or rather decade, came up. I love weddings, don't get me wrong, and I probably cry at every single one of them, but something broke within me. Each friend I saw getting married was one less friend I could spend time with on a regular basis, one less person who was in the same boat as me. Now they had their spouse as a priority, and other life events would fill up their time. Even now when most of my close friends aren't married yet, I still struggle with the fact that they all will one day be married to their significant other and it makes me hold back on how invested I am in our friendship. And I tell myself to get used to this because you may end up single for the rest of your life. End of story.

Just kidding, to be continued...

growing pains

I never watched the 80's sitcom, but taking from the title, the family probably had their share of ups and downs. Family has always been an understated blessing for me -- they are there for me when I am at my lowest to pick me up again, and they love me more than anyone else can. There have always been unresolved issues between people, but those are usually ignored when possible. Since accepting Christ, I have felt a spiritual and emotional split from the rest of my family. Times when I rejoiced in the Lord but couldn't express it to them, other moments when I struggled with my faith and couldn't turn to them for guidance and wisdom. Yet despite this little kink, they are still the most important people in my life.

This past week we vacationed in the "most magical place on earth", Disney World. In the midst of happiness and fun, we managed to have the biggest conflict we've ever had and experience the brokenness and pride in each of our hearts that precipitated this event, and I performed the most extreme act that I never thought possible--I walked away from my family. As I turned my back on them in utter disappointment at myself, the situation, and each of them, I walked away without hesitation. It was scary how easy that was and how little regret I felt doing it. For so long, I have felt like the outsider looking in, and it seemed almost natural for me to be the one who would leave. I was so fed up and done with all the tension built up over the last ten or so years of my life. Walking away was the only answer I could come up with in the heat of the moment.

Little did I know that my one action was the straw that broke the camel's back and nearly caused my dad to fall apart physically and emotionally. My phone received a frantic and anxious call from my mom who demanded me to come back because my dad was stricken with grief to the point he could no longer walk. As I rushed over, I couldn't bear to see him in such a condition. He leaned over the short metal railing fighting to catch his breath. I didn't know what to do at that point. I didn't know that I had hurt him so much. But that night wasn't the big climax.

The next morning we had a family meeting in our hotel room to talk about what happened. As my dad talked, he brought up three take-away points. First, we all need to look carefully at ourselves and examine our selfish attitude toward family. Second, (this was mainly for me), walking away from family never solves the problem, but only worsens it. Last, we, as a family, must support each other first and foremost above anyone else. Then he did something that I could not comprehend: he praised me for the planning and organizing I had been doing for the last several days and asked my family to applaud me for my work. At first I couldn't accept it and started crying, but then I realized that this is what forgiveness and grace are. This undeserved love that I received even when I had wronged all of them the previous night was more than I could handle. The first and last time I experienced this so powerfully was when Jesus brought me out of darkness into the light. I didn't deserve a new relationship with God, but Christ still offered it. I didn't deserve my family's love and forgiveness, but they still gave it. I felt like the prodigal son who left his family for selfish reasons and came crawling back only to be praised and received with love. What amazing grace!

I always thought that I was supposed to be the one who shows the love of Jesus Christ to my family. I never imagined my family would be the ones to point me back to the gospel.