"...but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understand and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight." - Jeremiah 9:24

The Lord renews me everyday. It is only by His grace and power that I live. God tells the Israelites that they cannot boast in their wisdom, their strength, their riches, for in none of these things does God delight. God only cares for us to know and understand Him. Here in medical school the easiest thing is to compare yourself to a standard, whether it be one set by the accomplishments of your peers or one you establish yourself as a benchmark for how hard you need to work. It is so tempting to just focus on what is at hand, studying to be the best medical student/future doctor you can be, and to push everything else aside for the sake of that goal. I'm guilty of that and so often do I need to remind myself that my worth does not come from my career path or the steps that I take toward it -- my worth only comes from what Jesus has done on the cross. Nothing else matters outside of the love that God has shown us. May I turn to Him and draw closer in intimacy and knowledge of my Lord and Savior.

So, I haven't started actual med school yet, but one word can describe my feelings so far about moving to Dallas: self-pitying. I pitied myself and the challenges that I have yet to face, the people I have yet to work with, the loneliness that I felt in the first few days, and the list could go on for a while. I sat in my room for the first couple nights crying and thinking, "Why me? Why did I have to leave?" It's funny how things work out. I knew why I had to leave -- I made fellowship and community into an idol -- yet when I was faced with the alternative -- make God the only Lord of my life -- it didn't come easily. I guess it's like when an addict stops chewing tobacco and knows that staying completely clean is the best solution, but he can't help but chew on gum constantly to "keep his mouth busy". I guess without community around me the first thing I turned to was myself and pitying my situation, but having self-pity is the same as being boastful, just opposite ends of the spectrum. The underlying sin is the same. But God, again, in his good timing, reminded me of what is important.

"I am the LORD, and there is no other." 

God repeats this countless times in Isaiah when he talks to the Israelites about their idolatry and turning to other nations to save them from their despair. They have forgotten the most important thing of all, that God is the Lord of all creation, sustainer of the universe, almighty God, our Savior, Redeemer, and wonderful Counselor. They, and we too, forget because of all the other "stuff" that is in our life, all the other idols we place before God. Essentially we are saying, "God is Lord, but there might be others out there." It has taken me four years to start to realize the deep idols in my heart, how much of my faith and worth comes from what others see me as and what I have accomplished as a servant of God. I see a glimpse of that now because when I don't have any of that around me, I have felt empty, lost, in need of love. I truly have forgotten the root of it all, how much God pursues me with his love and how to receive that through the grace given through the death and life of Jesus Christ.

Lord God, please open my heart and let me be pursued by You and You alone.

the end of a chapter

It's all coming to an end, at least what came of these last four years. I never imagined that my life in Houston would end in such a bittersweet way. Although I have about 5 days left, I have already made closure on most things. Now I'm just biding my time waiting for when I will pack up all my stuff and move up. I reflected a couple months ago on how big of an impact college has made on my life, but in just these last 3 months of summer, so much has happened that I have had to reflect again. Camp was great, no, amazing, and these last couple days have been spent well with my God -- I really don't have too many complaints. God has prepared me emotionally and spiritually to leave Houston with a peaceful heart and embark on a new chapter in my life.

The more and more I read the Bible and learn about God, the more I see the beauty of the gospel and how God just works on His own. Witnessing the Holy Spirit work in my campers was remarkable and increased the faith I had in its power. I realized that it's in my weakness that God is able to work and bring glory to His name. "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9). That verse makes so much more sense to me now and it is something that I will treasure for the rest of my life. God is continually humbling me to see how much I need to trust in Him and that all things will work together for good because He is eternally good.


So as I was preparing to leave for Dallas, my biggest concern/worry was what would happen in this new place, how I would find community, how the adjustment would be going into med school. I told myself to not worry because God will provide, but that was partially an empty promise to myself to make me feel better inside. Now, however, I understand more what my heart knew to be true -- God will work through your weakness, your fears, your doubts, and ultimately bring greater glory to Himself than you could do on your own. He will make a way. He will go before and lead me as He has done so many times in the past. I haven't realized it until more recently, but God has been preparing me this whole summer to receive with joy this new chapter of my life. The trials and struggles I have encountered are molding me to trust in Him and surrender more and more of myself (my goals, dreams, expectations) in order to embrace His perfect plan for me. I have confidence that my God is an awesome God -- He will never fail me.