A child of God with a steadfast heart …

1. Entrusts his or her future to God (Prov. 31:25): “Lord, I lay aside my desire to control and my tendency to fear those situations that produce anxiety.”
2. Befriends faithfulness (Ps. 37:3): “Lord, I repent of my tendency toward flaky, undisciplined time in your Word. I will make friends with faithful time with you.”
3. Does not fear anything that is frightening (1 Pet. 3:6): “Lord, strengthen me in the face of fearful situations. Help me to not fear what the future may hold.”
4. Does fear the Lord and has intimacy with him (2 Cor. 5:11): “Lord, keep my head lifted to you when I have sinned. Make me afraid of being far from you as I rest fully in your knowledge and acceptance of me.”
5. Can say with confidence that God is for them (Psalm 56:9, Rom 8:31): “Lord, even when I am weary, make me believe you have good in store for me in the midst of it.”
6. Walks blamelessly and does what is right (Ps. 15:2a): “Lord, strengthen me to choose life and godliness in the midst of temptation.”
7. Speaks truth in his or her heart (Ps. 15:2b) “Lord, in the place where no one else can see or hear but you, may my heart’s meditations be truthful and honoring to your holy name, and not filled with doubt and grumbling.”
8. Attests to his or her hurt and does not change (Ps. 15:4) “Lord, in the face of past experiences, may I grieve that hurt while not letting it define me. I attest to the pain but claim your name of Redeemer and your work on my behalf, making me pure and righteous.”

- Jen Smidt from Matt Chandler's blog

scars

Recently, we learned about how our tissues heal and regenerate wounds to restore them back to their original form and function. It was fascinating to see all the different players in this process and how they work together to lay down a foundation of fibroblasts that eventually make collagen and form a fibrous scar over what used to be a gaping wound. The original shape is usually preserved, and the organ can most of the time perform to it's previous ability. Sometimes it may have to work a little bit harder to overcome the resistance of the scar, but it is still able to function well.

Taking a step back, our lives heal themselves in a similar way. There is some incident that causes a wound, and we immediately respond to repair that wound. Friends and family console and offer advice to us, we try to tackle the problem on our own, we turn to professionals who can guide us through it, etc. Usually we heal completely or almost completely, and there is something left behind, a scar of some sort. It could be the reminder that a loved one is no longer with us, the ache of a broken heart, or a bruised and humbled ego. We go on with our lives externally, but if we look closely enough, there will be a scar. Everyone has at least one or maybe many of each kind too. But as humans we are resilient beings, and it takes a lot to bring us down. However, for many of us, our scars are markers of pain, sorrow, or guilt in our lives; things that we hide and keep away because we are fearful of "reopening old wounds".

Yet, Jesus also had scars when he was resurrected from death. Some even argue that if these scars were there when he was on earth, then when he ascended to heaven, his scars remained with him in heaven. Spurgeon gives several reasons why Christ's wounds remained in his sermon. It's interesting that Jesus's wounds were a victorious display of God's glory and triumph over death. They showed how much he suffered but how that suffering was necessary for the glory of God. His scars remind us of the extent of his love for mankind and the extreme he is willing to go to reconcile us with the Father. Because Christ bore these wounds, he took away what would have been inflicted upon us so that now we are free in him. The temporary scars we endure in this lifetime are just that, temporary. They point back to the eternal scars that our Savior received for our sins. Let us boast in them knowing that Christ has healed us completely and freely express how our scars reflect (but only merely) the sacrifice and pain Jesus went through for us. Likewise, if we are ever faced with pain and suffering, we must remember that a temporary scar may remain, but Christ has already healed us from the inside out. In all circumstances, Christ receives the glory!

Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise. - Jeremiah 17:14

five

I once was a wretched soul,
Five years ago this day.
Until Christ came into my life
And showed me the way.

He broke my heart and opened my eyes,
To the pride that led me astray,
And brought tears like a flowing river
As I spoke of my spiritual decay.

But God has plan for all;
He is faithful to the end.
The price Christ paid on the cross
Can bring us to amend.

He took my wretched soul,
He molded it like clay,
And made me a new creation
Five years ago this day.


All praise, honor, and glory to Christ Jesus our King for the grace and love he shows us each and every day!

afflicted but not crushed

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

- 2 Corinthians 4:7-18

“This Hill, though high, I covet to ascend, The Difficulty will not me offend. For I perceive the Way to life lies here: Come pluck up Heart, let’s neither faint nor fear; Better, though difficult, the Right Way to go, Than Wrong, though easy, where the End is Wo.”

- Paul Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress

indecision

From an article in Relevant magazine (link):

When we live in an anxious fear of making wrong decisions in our lives we aren’t able to constrain them to just one aspect of our life, but they tend to bleed into other areas of our existence. As I work with young adults in ministry and counseling two aspects of decision-making have reared their head more prevalently.

First, too many choices seem to paralyze many people from making a decision. Author Barry Schwartz in his book The Paradox of Choice writes about the anxiety that accompanies even buying jeans these days: “At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates…But clinging tenaciously to all the choices available to us contributes to bad decisions, to anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction—even to clinical depression.”

Second, there is a fear of missing out on something. Last year MTV did a poll of 13-30 year olds and their web habits and came up with the term FOMO (fear of missing out) after reviewing the findings. There is a constant feeling in our culture that we might be missing out on something better, therefore, we rarely commit to a decision that we can’t back out of if something better comes along. 

When we live life in fear of making the wrong decision or of missing out on something, it robs us of being able to be present not only with others, but with ourselves. We constantly live in a future state of “what if” that keeps us never rooted in the present. 

Why do we often find it so difficult to make a yes or no decision as Jesus encourages us to do, instead opting to waffle back and forth in fear of making the wrong one? What can you do differently to combat the fears and make decisions? 

There is no easy answer to these questions. Acting decisively in the fear of making the wrong choice, or in the fear of missing out takes practice. And it takes being okay with failing at times. But here are some recommendations that I practice not only with my clients and the people I serve in ministry, but that I daily try to exercise in my own life.

First, commit to being more intentional in your life. Decide not to sit back and be a passive observer in your life, as if you have no say in matters. Don’t expect a vocation, relationship, spiritual life, et cetera to just happen automatically. You need to commit to being purposeful and take action.

Second, practice experimenting with your options. Instead of finding or waiting for the perfect option to always come along, just make a choice. Experiment with that option. Most of our daily decisions that we get stuck on are not life and death. And it is these decisions that can become the practice ground and foundational building blocks for making more difficult ones later in life. You don’t know how to make a decision to marry/not marry a person if you have never practiced making lots of other little decisions along the way. 

Third, wrestle with God. One of the most perplexing verses in the New Testament for me is Romans 8:28 where Paul says: 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” 

I don’t understand the mystery of that passage, and how things are worked out for our good. But I do know that the Greek word in the passage for “works” conveys the idea of cooperation or working together. I am a participant in my life, therefore, I must make decisions. I don’t believe that God asks me to understand the intricacies or outcome of every little decision I make, but I do believe He has called me to participate with Him. 

I'm guilty of this all the time, but there are different scenarios in which I am indecisive. In group settings, I tend to shift the decision-making to someone else because I don't want others to miss out on something that they would want to do (e.g. trying out a new restaurant). In a more one-on-one setting, I am indecisive because I don't want the other person to think that I have made the wrong decision. When it comes to my personal decisions, it's hard for me to stick with a decision because I am afraid of the consequences especially if it leads to failure. I am fearful of disrupting the status quo and choosing something that will hurt me. Whether it be related to school, work, relationships, or family, I am always very cautious when it comes to making set-in-stone decisions.

I've always struggled with this, but it became worse when I started confusing being decisive with being too assertive. Those two can be be correlated but they do not go hand-in-hand. For fear of being assertive and aggressive, I believed that by being indecisive I would become more gentle. But I have discovered that it has only left me dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. Oh, how I still have much to learn about being a woman of God!

Lord, may you teach me the gentle ways of Christ and help me fight my indecision. Show me the freedom in Christ we have to confidently make decisions in our life that ultimately glorify you.

unrecognized and unashamed

Summer is gone, and I am left with a deep longing to relive it all again. This was my last summer break and I couldn't have asked for a better, more humbling experience.

My trip to China to see family was wonderful as usual, and I always love seeing my extended family because even though we don't know each other that well there's a special bond between all of us when we reunite. I savor the moments of silence when we are all just sitting there watching tv or enjoying a delicious home-cooked Chinese meal together. Being in China makes me wonder what could have been if I never left there and miss the good times I do have every chance I get to go back. Furthermore each time I go back the Spirit's tug on my heart to share the gospel gets stronger and stronger. This time I gave one of my uncles the book of John in Chinese to read. I pray that he has opened it and that God is slowly moving into his heart. Maybe in the near future God will provide another opportunity for me to go back and see them.

After China, I headed to Camp Sweeney land for the next six weeks. Camp Sweeney is a nonprofit pediatric diabetes camp for kids of all ages. I worked as part of the medical staff there along with 12 other people. To say the least, my experience there was a very obvious love-hate relationship (maybe hate is too strong a word). I absolutely loved seeing the kids each day, happy as can be, reuniting with old friends from years past and making new friends as they go. They have such a strong close bond with one another and it's wonderful to see that there is a place they can go where they don't have to be ashamed of their disease and can be considered "normal". I never realized how much trouble they must go through every day at school with diabetes. Many of them get in trouble too because teachers think that they are shooting up drugs when they are actually giving themselves insulin shots. I never knew how crippling diabetes could be to one's health, family situation, and financial well-being. So many kids were on scholarship to come here and many of them went home with free insulin because it is so expensive to buy. My heart breaks to know that many will go home and the good diabetic control that they have achieved at camp will go down the drain simply because they don't have the means to test themselves often and give themselves shots. Especially this last session, there were many more campers who were considered "troubled kids" because they come from hard backgrounds and really need more attention in their lives.

On the other hand, dealing with the counseling staff and administration was more difficult and often times put a damper on my Sweeney experience. We were usually underappreciated if appreciated at all, never really encouraged, and taken for granted. Our job gradually went from taking care of sick kids to serving the counseling staff whenever they needed something done. Things did not start off on the right foot which affected the entire summer. Toward the end our relationship improved but there was still some tension. Even the campers didn't appreciate what we did. They would always joke that we give out cough drops for everything even if it was unrelated to their symptoms (partially true in a joking way). Sometimes they wouldn't even trust our judgment because they assumed that we were just trying to get them away from our hospital. It also didn't really help whenever med staff would complain and gripe about counselors and our "pitiful" situation. We always felt left out of things and people made a point to voice their opinion about that all the time. By the time the last week came around, med staff was tired, unenthusiastic, eager to leave, and doing a poor job at almost everything. It was really discouraging to see and hard to motivate people to push through until the end.

What I realized was what the camp director said in the beginning, "This is for the kids. Not for you." At the time I understood the statement was meant to motivate us and prevent us from seeking attention for ourselves, but I never realized how extreme this camp took that statement. I can see why kids love him so much as their doctor. He is willing to sacrifice everything for the kids. I think these past six weeks have shown me a glimpse of what true service looks like -- when you're unrecognized, unappreciated, and tired and nobody even cares that you are there. It sounds like a worst-case scenario that no one wants to be in, but honestly when it comes down to it, if you are still willing to serve in that situation, you truly have a servant's heart. This is exactly what happened to Christ. He was unappreciated by his people, unrecognized for the good he did, and always demanded for more by the Jews. Yet he never sought the approval of men and never based his worth on how people thought of his service toward them. He only sought the Father's love and found complete joy and satisfaction in that. He knew that in this world, all things would end up disappointing us, but our Heavenly Father loves us unwaveringly. Jesus was unashamed of the judgment he endured from fellow men and the punishment he received because of what he did because it ultimately pointed back to the Father's love. Now, I am light-years away from having the heart of service that Christ had, but it's humbling to see how even a secular experience points back to the gospel and teaches me how to love God and love people more. The road of sanctification is rocky and bumpy, but God must sand away at the rough parts of our life in order to make room for the beautiful things he has in store for us. May he continue to sanctify us through and through so that we are more like him with each passing day!

swimming thoughts

+ being in the working world is taxing and not everyone is amiable and hard-working
+ kids are good at lying about almost everything
+ a large part of sickness is psychological - if you think you're sick, you will feel more sick
+ the saddest thing is seeing a child discouraged and alone
+ eloquency is not my thing
+ still haven't discovered if medicine is for me
+ days without reading his word causes a great hunger in me
+ time is my enemy at camp
+ all children are hungry for something - attention, love, acceptance, encouragement, etc - and they don't know how to satisfy it
+ med students love to complain, shift the blame to others, and take glory for themselves (including myself)
+ is it better to let kids face reality or shelter them from the negativitiy of the world?
+ it's draining to put others before yourself, if you rely only on your own strength
+ having close friends in the workplace seems rather risky and improbable
+ breaking down barriers you build up is the only way to reach others

an update of summer will be coming soon...