Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, with his drawn sword in his hand. And he bowed down and fell on his face. And the angel of the LORD said to him, "Why have you struck your donkey these three times? Behold, I have come out to oppose you because your way is perverse before me. The donkey saw me and turned aside before me these three times. If she had not turned aside from me, surely just now I would have killed you and let her live." Then Balaam said to the angel of the LORD, "I have sinned, for I did not know that you stood in the road against me. Now therefore, if it is evil in your sight, I will turn back."
- Numbers 22:31-34
God tells Balaam not to go with Balak to curse the Jews. Balak increases his reward to follow. God says he can go the next time they ask him, but he can only say what the Lord commands. Balaam leaves without ever being asked again. On the road, Balaam's donkey stops three times because she sees an angel standing in front of her holding a sword. Balaam, oblivious to what's going on, beats his donkey three times to get her to keep going, but then realizes that it is God standing in his way.
When I read this story, I just kept thinking about how many times I have acted like Balaam and ignored the voice of God prodding me to move away from my own path to take on His. Like Balaam, I always justify my actions and convince myself that what I am doing is what God "wanted" me to do but just didn't say it. Even though I take on God's will for my life, secretly I still have my own agenda. It's like walking along with God but sneaking in my planner so that I won't forget what I need to do next. Balaam listened to God by refusing the first time, but because now there was a reward involved, he twisted what God said (to only go if they asked him again), and interpreted it to meant that he could go as long as he said what God told him. He was still enticed by the honor and reward he would receive, so he carried his own agenda while "attending" to God's plan for him.
What is my agenda? There's is too much in my life that I want to go well: career, relationships, family, ministry, outreach, etc. And it's not like I want to disobey God's word, (i.e. seek wealth, strive for security, shirk my ministry, stay within a Christian bubble, etc). I just have my own goals for different areas of my life, goals that I deem to be "worthy" of God. But often when I do this, I trick myself into thinking that my relationship is strong with God because I keep doing "good" things, but in reality, I only do these "good" things because they were on my agenda, and I wanted to. I just tag along the God part to justify it.
How do I eliminate my agenda completely? I don't think I have the answer. It's something I have struggled with from day one of new life. It is impossible for humans to become that humble. We can't do it in and of ourselves. But the first step to humility is recognizing what is greater than us, and although that includes a great number of things, the biggest is God and his glory. If we never comprehend that, we will never come underneath Him and serve His kingdom. So I end with this,
I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
- Psalm 34:1-3
