We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. i do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it...What a wretched [woman] I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
I didn't know if I should share this because it seemed emo and angsty, but I think it's something that God has been trying to show me in the last couple of months. It might end up being a very long entry...
Recently, I have been feeling very content with my life. Everything has been going pretty well; family's alright; friends are good; I've been building closer relationships; school is going well. There really isn't much I could be complaining about. However, something didn't feel right. I kept hearing God telling me, "It's not right to feel content. Beware of these feelings." I couldn't explain to people what I was feeling because it didn't make sense to me either. "Why would I not want to be in this state of contentment?" I asked myself. With much thought, I realized what was wrong. I couldn't find sin in my life. There wasn't anything that I really need to repent of. I had not wronged anyone and did not commit any crimes, and I was still "close" in my relationship with God. But I knew it was a problem that I could not see any blatant wrong in my life.
I think, as Christians, in our process of sanctification, we move away from the "big" sins in our life and start to lose sight of the deep-seated sins that eat away at our inner beings. Sins that hide themselves so carefully in our personalities that we think they are "just a part of our character". We don't notice them because in comparison to others we are "alright". And I think that's what got me.
It wasn't until my best friend was sharing with me her sins and being really humble and open about them that I realized how many times I "repented" but didn't really mean it. She told me how so many times she asked God for forgiveness, but she wasn't sincere about it, didn't really feel the words that she was expressing. It convicted me of the countless times where I would seek forgiveness, "feel better", and then go about my normal life, practically forgetting what I confessed. Those sins that I repented of stayed with me, and to explain myself, I would say that these sins are "hard to fight off", that it is a "slow learning process". But who am I to say that and place God's power to overcome sin at a lower level than it should be? If His power is how the Bible tells it, my sins should disappear like they did in Jesus' time when he healed the beggars and the crippled. So, it surely wasn't because my sins would take longer to overcome; my heart just wasn't sincere to God.
So, within this last week (God really has good timing), so many different sins have been surfacing and making themselves known to me. These are things that I do almost by second nature and that when I do know they are wrong, I don't feel the need to repent because, heck, everyone does it. But God was still tugging at me, asking me to really consider what I need to do have the broken and contrite heart that David had when he sought forgiveness after his act of adultery (Psalm 51). It wasn't until Good Friday service that God really shook me and made me turn to Him for forgiveness. Even right up to service, I was just happy-go-lucky, ready to take on the world attitude, but a few songs into the service, and my heart could not take it anymore. There was one song that stood out to me and really made me feel like the sinner that I am.
I gave My life for thee, My precious blood I shed,
That thou might ransomed be, and raised up from the dead
I gave, I gave My life for thee, what hast thou given for Me?
I gave, I gave My life for thee, what hast thou given for Me?
My Father’s house of light, My glory circled throne
I left for earthly night, for wanderings sad and lone;
I left, I left it all for thee, hast thou left aught for Me?
I left, I left it all for thee, hast thou left aught for Me?
I suffered much for thee, more than thy tongue can tell,
Of bitterest agony, to rescue thee from hell.
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee, what hast thou borne for Me?
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee, what hast thou borne for Me?
And I have brought to thee, down from My home above,
Salvation full and free, My pardon and My love;
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee, what hast thou brought to Me?
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee, what hast thou brought to Me?
Lord, forgive me, a sinner. My life is imperfect, dirty, and full of sin. Forgive me for all the times I've broken your heart, for idolizing others, cheating, judging others, disrespecting, and ignoring You. I am truly sorry for never offering you any gifts, never giving you anything for all that you have give me. I am sorry.
God revealed the wondrous love that He has for me, the irresistibility of His grace. How even as a sinner, He loved me from the before, and He loves me all the more now. It really broke my heart to know that nothing I had done up to this point could even possibly compare to what He has given to me. Even our most righteous acts are like filthy rags to Him who is perfect. Really feeling the magnitude of this, I sensed the weight of my sins and how hurtful and painful they were for God to see.
Lord, I am overcome by your love. There's no greater love than this. Jesus, thank you.
I'm sorry for disappointing you so much. It hurts to know that it is not me who hurts the most but it is your soul that breaks to pieces because of my transgressions. For that, I am sorry, truly, truly sorry. I want to be your good servant. Please help change my ways, make my paths straight, help me to see with truth and light. I will be set free by your unfailing love. Let me give back to you what you have given to me. Even if it cannot ever compare, let my heart be forever yours, forever sacrificed for you.
This Easter, the Lord has been good to me. Overwhelmingly good. Through His death and resurrection, I have gained new life, and this life is not to be taken lightly. It is precious, sacred, and full of Christ's love. Without the resurrection, this whole sin equation would be incomplete. I wouldn't be able to look past the wrongs that I have committed, but thanks be to Jesus for through his resurrection I may gain new life to the fullest! Our Redeemer lives, as Job proclaims, so that we may be redeemed and live a life resurrected in Him.
