Many people asked over a year ago why I was moving to Dallas, why I decided to leave the comfort of my home church, one who has seen me grow through college and I am forever grateful for, and my family. My response was always something along the lines of, "I believe that God is calling me to Dallas. He is giving me this amazing opportunity to be at UT Southwestern, and I can't pass it up," or something like, "Community has become an idol in my Christian walk, and I feel like God is calling me to take this leap of faith and journey with him to Dallas." (In actuality, none of my responses were ever this eloquent...this was mainly the idea I was trying to put across). But to be honest, when I said these things, even though I may have had the outward confidence and assurance that God was going to provide, that this was part of his plan, inside I was still a frightened and uneasy girl hoping and praying that she was making the right choice.
Today, almost a year and a half later, I see God's answer clearly. I won't belabor the process and journey that these past 18 months have been (just see the previous posts to get a glimpse), but I do want to write about how awesome the God we worship is. I remember over the summer after my senior year at Rice, I was part of a women's group at HCC and we were going through Jonah. Now, I wasn't very committed, sadly, but the few times I went I really felt convicted by the wisdom that was shared. One particular day, we talked about how Jonah fled the Lord's command to go to Ninevah. He had the mindset that run away from the situation, hoping that God would appoint someone else. Similarly, in our lives, many times we feel God nudging to do this or that, and most of the time we ignore it, or we run away from it, convinced that God has chosen the wrong person. Around the time we went through this passage, I knew that I had to make a decision about Dallas. It was my Ninevah. I didn't understand why I needed to travel 250+ miles to another city when I was doing just fine in my home town. For a while, I tried to flee in my mind, conjuring up reasons why I shouldn't go, why it wasn't "in the plan for me". But God convicted me with the story of Jonah and showed me that there are times he will interrupt our lives and it is an opportunity for us to obey, set aside our plans, and see where God can take us in faith. So that's why I went.
Now I truly understand why He used Jonah's story. At church this week, for the benediction, another passage was shared from Jonah 4:9-11, "But God said to Jonah, 'Do you do well to be angry for the plant?' And he said, 'Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to die.' And the Lord said, 'You pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow, which came into being in a night and perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle?'" Jonah was only concerned with his own well-being; when God provided the tree for shade, he was beyond happy for it. But when the Ninevites repented and God forgave them, Jonah was furious that he would show so much grace to a people who rejected him initially. My situation is not quite the same, but the underlying lesson is. God has brought me to Dallas to show me how selfish my heart can be, how my agenda even though I may think it is for the kingdom of God is actually tainted with self-righteousness and a desire to carry out what I believe is best for God's kingdom. But I am gradually realizing how Dallas has served me more than I have served it, how being here has revealed the deep recesses of my heart and made me turn all the more toward God's never-ending grace. The people I have met, the church I have joined, the school I am so honored to be at every day, all of this was the result of a divine interruption. God is showing me, just like he showed Jonah, the heart he has for his people and the love that he hopes his servants can pour out as an offering pleasing to him.
This could turn into a ridiculously long post if I kept going, so I'll save those thoughts for another day...
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
babies
Today we visited the newborn nursery at Parkland and had the privilege of examining a 1 day old newborn. She was so precious and such a good patient. She never once cried or fussed as 7 strangers poked and prodded at her in all sorts of places. She was so fragile and adorable. Even the tiny stethoscope that we used melted my heart. As we were timidly examining her, the attending physician kept saying, "Don't worry, you won't break her," knowing that we were all fearful of pressing too hard or pushing too forcefully. She was like this precious jewel shining in the light, and we were all dirty miners just gawking at her beauty.
The whole time I thought about the mother and father who conceived this child and the care they must have put in and will put in as they watch her grow into a beautiful woman. I thought about what she will be like in the future, how many other siblings she may have, her dreams, goals and aspirations. She is a healthy baby now, but what genetic predispositions does she have that will put her at risk for chronic illnesses later on in life? All these things reminded me of how someone comes to life is truly miraculous, how there is possibly more going against us to live than there is for us. The numerous mutations or slips in our DNA that can wreak havoc on our bodies and cause deformities or dysfunctions none would wish upon their worst enemy.
But then we see that in Romans 8:31-32, Paul says," If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his only Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Indeed, life is too precious of a thing to waste--it is a gift from God. And the greatest gift is Christ himself. To know that he came down from heaven's throne to take the form of man, to be born as a healthy baby just like this little girl is amazing. To trade a glorious eternal life with the Father to become someone so helpless and fragile boggles my finite mind. The mystery of life, the beauty of the Son in flesh, the love of a heavenly Father--all these things point to the God who is for us and graciously gives all things to us. Hallelujah!
How fitting that all this happened just before the Advent of Christmas! May we eagerly anticipate the day that marks the birth of our Savior and remember how precious and beautiful life is!
The whole time I thought about the mother and father who conceived this child and the care they must have put in and will put in as they watch her grow into a beautiful woman. I thought about what she will be like in the future, how many other siblings she may have, her dreams, goals and aspirations. She is a healthy baby now, but what genetic predispositions does she have that will put her at risk for chronic illnesses later on in life? All these things reminded me of how someone comes to life is truly miraculous, how there is possibly more going against us to live than there is for us. The numerous mutations or slips in our DNA that can wreak havoc on our bodies and cause deformities or dysfunctions none would wish upon their worst enemy.
But then we see that in Romans 8:31-32, Paul says," If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his only Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Indeed, life is too precious of a thing to waste--it is a gift from God. And the greatest gift is Christ himself. To know that he came down from heaven's throne to take the form of man, to be born as a healthy baby just like this little girl is amazing. To trade a glorious eternal life with the Father to become someone so helpless and fragile boggles my finite mind. The mystery of life, the beauty of the Son in flesh, the love of a heavenly Father--all these things point to the God who is for us and graciously gives all things to us. Hallelujah!
How fitting that all this happened just before the Advent of Christmas! May we eagerly anticipate the day that marks the birth of our Savior and remember how precious and beautiful life is!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
ugly pride
I deal with pride all the time, but it usually doesn't show its ugly face in very obvious ways. I am prideful of the things I think I'm good at (which isn't very much), things like sense of direction, cooking, baking, sense of fashion, spiritual discipline, intimacy with God (when I actually feel close to him, that is), and the list goes on. When such aforementioned things are questioned or criticized, I get very defensive and condescending and judgmental. I can't think of any better way of describing my attitude than repulsive. It absolutely is. I would not want to be around me when I get that way about these things because you can just sense from my tone of voice how ugly my pride is. Part of it is because I feel like when I suggest something, it doesn't happen often and people should value my opinions (i.e. follow my advice). However, when that doesn't follow through, my pride gets hurt and that ugly side comes out.
This is something I am very aware of and it's been hard to change, but I need to keep reminding myself of the verse in Romans 12:3 that states, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you to not think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned" and the verse in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."
So if you find me taking pride in any of these things, feel free to rebuke my ego, and hopefully God will help me to seek humility and not think of myself more significant than others.
This is something I am very aware of and it's been hard to change, but I need to keep reminding myself of the verse in Romans 12:3 that states, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you to not think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned" and the verse in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."
So if you find me taking pride in any of these things, feel free to rebuke my ego, and hopefully God will help me to seek humility and not think of myself more significant than others.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
mini-epiphany
one-third of the way through second year...craziness. it's amazing to see how much God has transformed my thinking in just a little over a year. i had a mini-epiphany a couple weeks ago that really shifted my trajectory. i was trying to think of the catalyst for it, but i couldn't pinpoint one specific "aha!" moment. i guess the Lord has been slowly molding me and revealing his purpose for me in medical school. basically, to make a long story short, i have found complete peace in knowing that this is where God wants me to be for the next three years. i don't feel a strong sense yet that being a physician is my future vocation, but that calling may come in the future. for right now, i am just blessed to have this complete and utter reliance on God to carry me through medical school. we will see what happens after my four years; it may be residency or it may not be. i think God has taken away that worry of mine and replaced it with his promise that he will provide for my every need. it has been a long and hard journey of learning to trust, and even though i am nowhere near the end of it, it is a wonderful feeling to know that in Christ all is good, he calms the storms in our life and brings peace in his holy name.
Friday, October 5, 2012
the most holy place
Thus it was necessary for the copies of the heavenly things to be purified with these rites, but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these. For Christ has entered, not into holy places made with hands, which are copies of the true things, but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God on our behalf. Nor was it to offer himself repeatedly, as the high priest enters the holy places every year with blood not his own, for then he would have had to suffer repeatedly since the foundation of the world. But as it is, he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself. And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment, so Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin but to save those who are eagerly waiting for him.
Hebrews is becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible. It is chock-full of references to the Old Testament and how God sent Jesus to replace the old covenant with the new covenant. I love it, especially this passage. I'm not one for history lessons, but I can't help but be amazed by this one. Many many years ago God asked the Israelites to set up the tabernacle as a place of sacrifice and worship to God. There was only one entrance and usually priests would go through the first gate, perform their daily rituals, and come out. Inside the first gate was the holy place that contained the entrance to the holy of holies or the most holy place. Between the holy place that the most holy place was a curtain, or a veil, that separated the two. Only the high priest could enter the most holy place once a year to offer a blood sacrifice for the sins of the people. But we obviously know that no animal sacrifice truly substitutes for the sins we commit against God; hence the yearly sacrifice that was made. This earthly most holy place represents the true most holy place, the place where God dwells and where we can feel his presence the greatest, his most intimate home, heaven.
It's like seeing someone's bedroom for the first time. We always clean up beforehand when we are expecting visitors because we don't want them to see the mess that we actually are. But once you see someone's bedroom you learn a little bit more about them, and you feel just a little bit closer to them. With God and his home in heaven, it is his "private" quarters so to speak. We are not holy enough to enter it and he wouldn't allow us to anyways. It is the opposite with our rooms; we try to tidy up in order to impress others. But for us, we will never been clean enough on our own to approach the throne of God. That is why this passage is so freaking awesome because Christ has entered for us and allowed us to gain access through his cleansing. He has torn the veil that separates the holy place and the most holy place. He has made the way open for us to see God, to feel God in the most intimate way possible. Jesus is the most high priest who has the credentials, who has the power to make right the sins of man. And he has done it once and for all so that we no longer need priests to intercede for our sins or tabernacles to offer up sacrifices. He does not need to suffer repeatedly because his sacrifice is perfect. We have access to the most holy place where God dwells. What greater invitation is there!
Now we wait eagerly for the return of Christ to take us to that holy place. He has already conquered sin for us when he first came, and now he will protect us from judgment and the wrath of God that would come because of our sinful nature. I can't claim to understand this passage completely, but I know that Christ, the most high priest, has made a way, the only way, into the kingdom of God. I am able to dwell in the presence of God and delight in it, and I will one day be physically in the presence of God and what a glorious day that will be!
May we trust in God in a way that makes us eager for Christ to come back and take us to the most holy place with him!
- Hebrews 9:23-28
Hebrews is becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible. It is chock-full of references to the Old Testament and how God sent Jesus to replace the old covenant with the new covenant. I love it, especially this passage. I'm not one for history lessons, but I can't help but be amazed by this one. Many many years ago God asked the Israelites to set up the tabernacle as a place of sacrifice and worship to God. There was only one entrance and usually priests would go through the first gate, perform their daily rituals, and come out. Inside the first gate was the holy place that contained the entrance to the holy of holies or the most holy place. Between the holy place that the most holy place was a curtain, or a veil, that separated the two. Only the high priest could enter the most holy place once a year to offer a blood sacrifice for the sins of the people. But we obviously know that no animal sacrifice truly substitutes for the sins we commit against God; hence the yearly sacrifice that was made. This earthly most holy place represents the true most holy place, the place where God dwells and where we can feel his presence the greatest, his most intimate home, heaven.
It's like seeing someone's bedroom for the first time. We always clean up beforehand when we are expecting visitors because we don't want them to see the mess that we actually are. But once you see someone's bedroom you learn a little bit more about them, and you feel just a little bit closer to them. With God and his home in heaven, it is his "private" quarters so to speak. We are not holy enough to enter it and he wouldn't allow us to anyways. It is the opposite with our rooms; we try to tidy up in order to impress others. But for us, we will never been clean enough on our own to approach the throne of God. That is why this passage is so freaking awesome because Christ has entered for us and allowed us to gain access through his cleansing. He has torn the veil that separates the holy place and the most holy place. He has made the way open for us to see God, to feel God in the most intimate way possible. Jesus is the most high priest who has the credentials, who has the power to make right the sins of man. And he has done it once and for all so that we no longer need priests to intercede for our sins or tabernacles to offer up sacrifices. He does not need to suffer repeatedly because his sacrifice is perfect. We have access to the most holy place where God dwells. What greater invitation is there!
Now we wait eagerly for the return of Christ to take us to that holy place. He has already conquered sin for us when he first came, and now he will protect us from judgment and the wrath of God that would come because of our sinful nature. I can't claim to understand this passage completely, but I know that Christ, the most high priest, has made a way, the only way, into the kingdom of God. I am able to dwell in the presence of God and delight in it, and I will one day be physically in the presence of God and what a glorious day that will be!
May we trust in God in a way that makes us eager for Christ to come back and take us to the most holy place with him!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
expectations vs reality
One of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies, (500) Days of Summer, is the expectations vs reality scene where the director juxtaposes what Tom expected to happen and what actually happened when he finally realized that his chances with Summer are truly over:
Maybe I like it because I can relate to Tom. I've never experienced a terrible breakup like he has, but oftentimes I imagine how an event would play out in my head and what is reality is actually much different. These include expectations of myself, others, and the extra elements that are out of my control. If it's something important, I will replay those expectations over and over in my head, like a play that I direct unfolding before my eyes. Sometimes I catch myself and stop the habit, but most times it comes so naturally that I don't realize it until reality sinks in. More importantly, it reveals how such a seemingly innocent act of imagination can lead to sinful regret and frustration when our expectations do not line up with reality--or better put, when what we want is not what God wants. This happens on a small scale (e.g. preparing for an important interview) or on a large scale (e.g. preparing to raise children). No matter the scale, what I need to remember constantly is Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." May I submit each and every thought, expectation or reality, to the Lord and let him determine my steps!
Maybe I like it because I can relate to Tom. I've never experienced a terrible breakup like he has, but oftentimes I imagine how an event would play out in my head and what is reality is actually much different. These include expectations of myself, others, and the extra elements that are out of my control. If it's something important, I will replay those expectations over and over in my head, like a play that I direct unfolding before my eyes. Sometimes I catch myself and stop the habit, but most times it comes so naturally that I don't realize it until reality sinks in. More importantly, it reveals how such a seemingly innocent act of imagination can lead to sinful regret and frustration when our expectations do not line up with reality--or better put, when what we want is not what God wants. This happens on a small scale (e.g. preparing for an important interview) or on a large scale (e.g. preparing to raise children). No matter the scale, what I need to remember constantly is Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." May I submit each and every thought, expectation or reality, to the Lord and let him determine my steps!
Monday, September 10, 2012
it's a long one
This weekend and today have been all by the hand of God. I went to my church's annual retreat the weekend before possibly the biggest test of MS2 year (I'm crazy) and was extremely nervous that I would not get any studying done (re: I am still nervous because I didn't get any studying done), but God is wonderful and he will provide like he always has. I can't believe how perfectly planned retreat was. The speaker spoke straight into my heart's deepest anxieties and burdens and helped me to see things from a different, more Christ-centered perspective. Several issues have been on my mind, including school/career and relationships, and a lot of it was due to the fact that theses two areas of my life were left with much to be wanted. MS2 year has been hard, and although not as much of a drag as MS1 year, still a daily struggle. Just two days before retreat, I called my parents and had a long talk about quitting medical school again or pursuing other career paths or taking a break somewhere in the middle, etc. and it ended with me resigned to where I have to be for the next 2+ years. But God is wondrous, and at this retreat he reminded me of how easily our minds stray from him and how quickly our thoughts become our own and not his. One big thing the speaker talked about was from 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." I realized how most of these thoughts, though I tried to seek God's wisdom through prayer, were still essentially mine. I was letting doubt cloud God's will for me. I didn't think I could finish medical school and become a good physician or even make it past this next big test, and those thoughts hindered me from seeing Christ work. I took control of my thoughts and it caused me to stumble bad. But here it says that we take every thought captive to obey Christ -- it is an active process that we do to set our eyes on Christ, to set our thoughts, our heart, and our will on that of Jesus. Even in the rough times when things are dragging or getting in the way, we take captive every thought to obey Christ. They are no longer our thoughts but we think through the mind of God.
Another learning point was when the speaker talked about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, which is still one of my favorite events in the life of Christ. As he was reading the passage and delving into it, I just kept thinking of how so many times I have pleaded with God to take this cup (med school, relationships, etc) away from me so that I would not have to suffer through this anymore. And each time, I would let go of my will and let his will be done, but I always did it begrudgingly, as if there is no other option. But I have a choice; Jesus had a choice, and he did not choose to follow God kicking and screaming the whole way there, but "for the joy that was set before him endured the cross". Man that's powerful. It still amazes me to this day the sacrifice of Jesus to mankind. It emphasizes how far I still am from Christ--how my feeble attempts to follow his will in my life can't compare to the joy that he had when he obeyed God. But it also encourages and strengthens me to push ahead and to take on Christ's obedience and mindset as I remind myself that for the joy set before me I will endure until the end in everything that I do. My heart, mind, and will must be open to God, and he will work great things.
Finally, last point from today at our weekly Southwestern Christian Fellowship meetings, was from the speaker who is the director of Christ Community Health Fellowship. He shared about how they started in inner city Memphis and how God placed this vision on the hearts of 4 medical students to start this primary care clinic for the poor. He talked about the growth that they have experienced and the missional living that has shaped a lot of their ministry. They are truly crazy people for God. It reminded me of the talks at Urbana '06 (which he was actually at) and how we must dwell among the people as Christ dwelt among us. It was just another reconfirmation from God that this is where I am called to be. No matter if it is in a developing country, or right here in the US, the underserved areas all over the world are where I need to be. The great part is that they offer 4-yr electives and residency rotations where you can work at the clinic, live in the neighborhoods, and attend the house churches where patients who go to the clinic and hear about them attend every Sunday. His talk also got me thinking about what God's vision is for me as physician (wow never thought I would say that) and how I have the power to start that today, not 4 years down the road when I'm already a resident and almost out. One final thing he mentioned that aroused my attention was an analogy of medical school (or any other career field) as a "safe" vortex. We start the journey at the top of the vortex unaware of what will be demanded us, and things are still pretty calm. But slowly each year we are sucked deeper and deeper and become more and more invested with our focus shifting toward 4 main things in this life -- security, affluence, family, entertainment. By the end of it when we reach the bottom of the vortex, it's hard to get out, and it's hard to see beyond the kingdom we have created for ourselves. I feel this vortex already, and it's a struggle to fight against, but I trust that God will guard my heart against the ways of not just the secular world but even the imperfect Christian world and keep me focused on the furthering of his kingdom until all nations have heard the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Another learning point was when the speaker talked about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, which is still one of my favorite events in the life of Christ. As he was reading the passage and delving into it, I just kept thinking of how so many times I have pleaded with God to take this cup (med school, relationships, etc) away from me so that I would not have to suffer through this anymore. And each time, I would let go of my will and let his will be done, but I always did it begrudgingly, as if there is no other option. But I have a choice; Jesus had a choice, and he did not choose to follow God kicking and screaming the whole way there, but "for the joy that was set before him endured the cross". Man that's powerful. It still amazes me to this day the sacrifice of Jesus to mankind. It emphasizes how far I still am from Christ--how my feeble attempts to follow his will in my life can't compare to the joy that he had when he obeyed God. But it also encourages and strengthens me to push ahead and to take on Christ's obedience and mindset as I remind myself that for the joy set before me I will endure until the end in everything that I do. My heart, mind, and will must be open to God, and he will work great things.
Finally, last point from today at our weekly Southwestern Christian Fellowship meetings, was from the speaker who is the director of Christ Community Health Fellowship. He shared about how they started in inner city Memphis and how God placed this vision on the hearts of 4 medical students to start this primary care clinic for the poor. He talked about the growth that they have experienced and the missional living that has shaped a lot of their ministry. They are truly crazy people for God. It reminded me of the talks at Urbana '06 (which he was actually at) and how we must dwell among the people as Christ dwelt among us. It was just another reconfirmation from God that this is where I am called to be. No matter if it is in a developing country, or right here in the US, the underserved areas all over the world are where I need to be. The great part is that they offer 4-yr electives and residency rotations where you can work at the clinic, live in the neighborhoods, and attend the house churches where patients who go to the clinic and hear about them attend every Sunday. His talk also got me thinking about what God's vision is for me as physician (wow never thought I would say that) and how I have the power to start that today, not 4 years down the road when I'm already a resident and almost out. One final thing he mentioned that aroused my attention was an analogy of medical school (or any other career field) as a "safe" vortex. We start the journey at the top of the vortex unaware of what will be demanded us, and things are still pretty calm. But slowly each year we are sucked deeper and deeper and become more and more invested with our focus shifting toward 4 main things in this life -- security, affluence, family, entertainment. By the end of it when we reach the bottom of the vortex, it's hard to get out, and it's hard to see beyond the kingdom we have created for ourselves. I feel this vortex already, and it's a struggle to fight against, but I trust that God will guard my heart against the ways of not just the secular world but even the imperfect Christian world and keep me focused on the furthering of his kingdom until all nations have heard the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Friday, September 7, 2012
It is a proper and excellent thing for infinite glory to shine forth; and for the same reason, it is proper that the shining forth of God's glory should be complete; that is, that all parts of his glory should shine forth, that every beauty should be proportionably effulgent, that the beholder may have a proper notion of God. It is not proper that one glory should be exceedingly manifested, and another not at all. . . .
Thus it is necessary, that God's awful majesty, his authority and dreadful greatness, justice, and holiness, should be manifested. But this could not be, unless sin and punishment had been decreed; so that the shining forth of God's glory would be very imperfect, both because these parts of divine glory would not shine forth as the others do, and also the glory of his goodness, love, and holiness would be faint without them; nay, they could scarcely shine forth at all.
If it were not right that God should decree and permit and punish sin, there could be no manifestation of God's holiness in hatred of sin, or in showing any preference, in his providence, of godliness before it. There would be no manifestation of God's grace or true goodness, if there was no sin to be pardoned, no misery to be saved from. How much happiness soever he bestowed, his goodness would not be so much prized and admired. . . .
So evil is necessary, in order to the highest happiness of the creature, and the completeness of that communication of God, for which he made the world; because the creature's happiness consists in the knowledge of God, and the sense of his love. And if the knowledge of him be imperfect, the happiness of the creature must be proportionably imperfect.
- Jonathan Edwards
Thursday, August 30, 2012
A child of God with a steadfast heart …
- Entrusts his or her future to God (Prov. 31:25): “Lord, I lay aside my desire to control and my tendency to fear those situations that produce anxiety.”
- Befriends faithfulness (Ps. 37:3): “Lord, I repent of my tendency toward flaky, undisciplined time in your Word. I will make friends with faithful time with you.”
- Does not fear anything that is frightening (1 Pet. 3:6): “Lord, strengthen me in the face of fearful situations. Help me to not fear what the future may hold.”
- Does fear the Lord and has intimacy with him (2 Cor. 5:11): “Lord, keep my head lifted to you when I have sinned. Make me afraid of being far from you as I rest fully in your knowledge and acceptance of me.”
- Can say with confidence that God is for them (Psalm 56:9, Rom 8:31): “Lord, even when I am weary, make me believe you have good in store for me in the midst of it.”
- Walks blamelessly and does what is right (Ps. 15:2a): “Lord, strengthen me to choose life and godliness in the midst of temptation.”
- Speaks truth in his or her heart (Ps. 15:2b) “Lord, in the place where no one else can see or hear but you, may my heart’s meditations be truthful and honoring to your holy name, and not filled with doubt and grumbling.”
- Attests to his or her hurt and does not change (Ps. 15:4) “Lord, in the face of past experiences, may I grieve that hurt while not letting it define me. I attest to the pain but claim your name of Redeemer and your work on my behalf, making me pure and righteous.”
- Jen Smidt from Matt Chandler's blog
Sunday, August 26, 2012
scars
Recently, we learned about how our tissues heal and regenerate wounds to restore them back to their original form and function. It was fascinating to see all the different players in this process and how they work together to lay down a foundation of fibroblasts that eventually make collagen and form a fibrous scar over what used to be a gaping wound. The original shape is usually preserved, and the organ can most of the time perform to it's previous ability. Sometimes it may have to work a little bit harder to overcome the resistance of the scar, but it is still able to function well.
Taking a step back, our lives heal themselves in a similar way. There is some incident that causes a wound, and we immediately respond to repair that wound. Friends and family console and offer advice to us, we try to tackle the problem on our own, we turn to professionals who can guide us through it, etc. Usually we heal completely or almost completely, and there is something left behind, a scar of some sort. It could be the reminder that a loved one is no longer with us, the ache of a broken heart, or a bruised and humbled ego. We go on with our lives externally, but if we look closely enough, there will be a scar. Everyone has at least one or maybe many of each kind too. But as humans we are resilient beings, and it takes a lot to bring us down. However, for many of us, our scars are markers of pain, sorrow, or guilt in our lives; things that we hide and keep away because we are fearful of "reopening old wounds".
Yet, Jesus also had scars when he was resurrected from death. Some even argue that if these scars were there when he was on earth, then when he ascended to heaven, his scars remained with him in heaven. Spurgeon gives several reasons why Christ's wounds remained in his sermon. It's interesting that Jesus's wounds were a victorious display of God's glory and triumph over death. They showed how much he suffered but how that suffering was necessary for the glory of God. His scars remind us of the extent of his love for mankind and the extreme he is willing to go to reconcile us with the Father. Because Christ bore these wounds, he took away what would have been inflicted upon us so that now we are free in him. The temporary scars we endure in this lifetime are just that, temporary. They point back to the eternal scars that our Savior received for our sins. Let us boast in them knowing that Christ has healed us completely and freely express how our scars reflect (but only merely) the sacrifice and pain Jesus went through for us. Likewise, if we are ever faced with pain and suffering, we must remember that a temporary scar may remain, but Christ has already healed us from the inside out. In all circumstances, Christ receives the glory!
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise. - Jeremiah 17:14
Taking a step back, our lives heal themselves in a similar way. There is some incident that causes a wound, and we immediately respond to repair that wound. Friends and family console and offer advice to us, we try to tackle the problem on our own, we turn to professionals who can guide us through it, etc. Usually we heal completely or almost completely, and there is something left behind, a scar of some sort. It could be the reminder that a loved one is no longer with us, the ache of a broken heart, or a bruised and humbled ego. We go on with our lives externally, but if we look closely enough, there will be a scar. Everyone has at least one or maybe many of each kind too. But as humans we are resilient beings, and it takes a lot to bring us down. However, for many of us, our scars are markers of pain, sorrow, or guilt in our lives; things that we hide and keep away because we are fearful of "reopening old wounds".
Yet, Jesus also had scars when he was resurrected from death. Some even argue that if these scars were there when he was on earth, then when he ascended to heaven, his scars remained with him in heaven. Spurgeon gives several reasons why Christ's wounds remained in his sermon. It's interesting that Jesus's wounds were a victorious display of God's glory and triumph over death. They showed how much he suffered but how that suffering was necessary for the glory of God. His scars remind us of the extent of his love for mankind and the extreme he is willing to go to reconcile us with the Father. Because Christ bore these wounds, he took away what would have been inflicted upon us so that now we are free in him. The temporary scars we endure in this lifetime are just that, temporary. They point back to the eternal scars that our Savior received for our sins. Let us boast in them knowing that Christ has healed us completely and freely express how our scars reflect (but only merely) the sacrifice and pain Jesus went through for us. Likewise, if we are ever faced with pain and suffering, we must remember that a temporary scar may remain, but Christ has already healed us from the inside out. In all circumstances, Christ receives the glory!
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise. - Jeremiah 17:14
Thursday, August 23, 2012
five
I once was a wretched soul,
Five years ago this day.
Until Christ came into my life
And showed me the way.
He broke my heart and opened my eyes,
To the pride that led me astray,
And brought tears like a flowing river
As I spoke of my spiritual decay.
But God has plan for all;
He is faithful to the end.
The price Christ paid on the cross
Can bring us to amend.
He took my wretched soul,
He molded it like clay,
And made me a new creation
Five years ago this day.
All praise, honor, and glory to Christ Jesus our King for the grace and love he shows us each and every day!
Five years ago this day.
Until Christ came into my life
And showed me the way.
He broke my heart and opened my eyes,
To the pride that led me astray,
And brought tears like a flowing river
As I spoke of my spiritual decay.
But God has plan for all;
He is faithful to the end.
The price Christ paid on the cross
Can bring us to amend.
He took my wretched soul,
He molded it like clay,
And made me a new creation
Five years ago this day.
All praise, honor, and glory to Christ Jesus our King for the grace and love he shows us each and every day!
Monday, August 13, 2012
afflicted but not crushed
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:7-18
“This Hill, though high, I covet to ascend, The Difficulty will not me offend. For I perceive the Way to life lies here: Come pluck up Heart, let’s neither faint nor fear; Better, though difficult, the Right Way to go, Than Wrong, though easy, where the End is Wo.”
- Paul Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress
Saturday, August 11, 2012
indecision
From an article in Relevant magazine (link):
When we live in an anxious fear of making wrong decisions in our lives we aren’t able to constrain them to just one aspect of our life, but they tend to bleed into other areas of our existence. As I work with young adults in ministry and counseling two aspects of decision-making have reared their head more prevalently.
First, too many choices seem to paralyze many people from making a decision. Author Barry Schwartz in his book The Paradox of Choice writes about the anxiety that accompanies even buying jeans these days: “At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates…But clinging tenaciously to all the choices available to us contributes to bad decisions, to anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction—even to clinical depression.”
Second, there is a fear of missing out on something. Last year MTV did a poll of 13-30 year olds and their web habits and came up with the term FOMO (fear of missing out) after reviewing the findings. There is a constant feeling in our culture that we might be missing out on something better, therefore, we rarely commit to a decision that we can’t back out of if something better comes along.
When we live life in fear of making the wrong decision or of missing out on something, it robs us of being able to be present not only with others, but with ourselves. We constantly live in a future state of “what if” that keeps us never rooted in the present.
Why do we often find it so difficult to make a yes or no decision as Jesus encourages us to do, instead opting to waffle back and forth in fear of making the wrong one? What can you do differently to combat the fears and make decisions?
There is no easy answer to these questions. Acting decisively in the fear of making the wrong choice, or in the fear of missing out takes practice. And it takes being okay with failing at times. But here are some recommendations that I practice not only with my clients and the people I serve in ministry, but that I daily try to exercise in my own life.
First, commit to being more intentional in your life. Decide not to sit back and be a passive observer in your life, as if you have no say in matters. Don’t expect a vocation, relationship, spiritual life, et cetera to just happen automatically. You need to commit to being purposeful and take action.
Second, practice experimenting with your options. Instead of finding or waiting for the perfect option to always come along, just make a choice. Experiment with that option. Most of our daily decisions that we get stuck on are not life and death. And it is these decisions that can become the practice ground and foundational building blocks for making more difficult ones later in life. You don’t know how to make a decision to marry/not marry a person if you have never practiced making lots of other little decisions along the way.
Third, wrestle with God. One of the most perplexing verses in the New Testament for me is Romans 8:28 where Paul says:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I don’t understand the mystery of that passage, and how things are worked out for our good. But I do know that the Greek word in the passage for “works” conveys the idea of cooperation or working together. I am a participant in my life, therefore, I must make decisions. I don’t believe that God asks me to understand the intricacies or outcome of every little decision I make, but I do believe He has called me to participate with Him.
I'm guilty of this all the time, but there are different scenarios in which I am indecisive. In group settings, I tend to shift the decision-making to someone else because I don't want others to miss out on something that they would want to do (e.g. trying out a new restaurant). In a more one-on-one setting, I am indecisive because I don't want the other person to think that I have made the wrong decision. When it comes to my personal decisions, it's hard for me to stick with a decision because I am afraid of the consequences especially if it leads to failure. I am fearful of disrupting the status quo and choosing something that will hurt me. Whether it be related to school, work, relationships, or family, I am always very cautious when it comes to making set-in-stone decisions.
I've always struggled with this, but it became worse when I started confusing being decisive with being too assertive. Those two can be be correlated but they do not go hand-in-hand. For fear of being assertive and aggressive, I believed that by being indecisive I would become more gentle. But I have discovered that it has only left me dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. Oh, how I still have much to learn about being a woman of God!
Lord, may you teach me the gentle ways of Christ and help me fight my indecision. Show me the freedom in Christ we have to confidently make decisions in our life that ultimately glorify you.
When we live in an anxious fear of making wrong decisions in our lives we aren’t able to constrain them to just one aspect of our life, but they tend to bleed into other areas of our existence. As I work with young adults in ministry and counseling two aspects of decision-making have reared their head more prevalently.
First, too many choices seem to paralyze many people from making a decision. Author Barry Schwartz in his book The Paradox of Choice writes about the anxiety that accompanies even buying jeans these days: “At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates…But clinging tenaciously to all the choices available to us contributes to bad decisions, to anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction—even to clinical depression.”
Second, there is a fear of missing out on something. Last year MTV did a poll of 13-30 year olds and their web habits and came up with the term FOMO (fear of missing out) after reviewing the findings. There is a constant feeling in our culture that we might be missing out on something better, therefore, we rarely commit to a decision that we can’t back out of if something better comes along.
When we live life in fear of making the wrong decision or of missing out on something, it robs us of being able to be present not only with others, but with ourselves. We constantly live in a future state of “what if” that keeps us never rooted in the present.
Why do we often find it so difficult to make a yes or no decision as Jesus encourages us to do, instead opting to waffle back and forth in fear of making the wrong one? What can you do differently to combat the fears and make decisions?
There is no easy answer to these questions. Acting decisively in the fear of making the wrong choice, or in the fear of missing out takes practice. And it takes being okay with failing at times. But here are some recommendations that I practice not only with my clients and the people I serve in ministry, but that I daily try to exercise in my own life.
First, commit to being more intentional in your life. Decide not to sit back and be a passive observer in your life, as if you have no say in matters. Don’t expect a vocation, relationship, spiritual life, et cetera to just happen automatically. You need to commit to being purposeful and take action.
Second, practice experimenting with your options. Instead of finding or waiting for the perfect option to always come along, just make a choice. Experiment with that option. Most of our daily decisions that we get stuck on are not life and death. And it is these decisions that can become the practice ground and foundational building blocks for making more difficult ones later in life. You don’t know how to make a decision to marry/not marry a person if you have never practiced making lots of other little decisions along the way.
Third, wrestle with God. One of the most perplexing verses in the New Testament for me is Romans 8:28 where Paul says:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I don’t understand the mystery of that passage, and how things are worked out for our good. But I do know that the Greek word in the passage for “works” conveys the idea of cooperation or working together. I am a participant in my life, therefore, I must make decisions. I don’t believe that God asks me to understand the intricacies or outcome of every little decision I make, but I do believe He has called me to participate with Him.
I'm guilty of this all the time, but there are different scenarios in which I am indecisive. In group settings, I tend to shift the decision-making to someone else because I don't want others to miss out on something that they would want to do (e.g. trying out a new restaurant). In a more one-on-one setting, I am indecisive because I don't want the other person to think that I have made the wrong decision. When it comes to my personal decisions, it's hard for me to stick with a decision because I am afraid of the consequences especially if it leads to failure. I am fearful of disrupting the status quo and choosing something that will hurt me. Whether it be related to school, work, relationships, or family, I am always very cautious when it comes to making set-in-stone decisions.
I've always struggled with this, but it became worse when I started confusing being decisive with being too assertive. Those two can be be correlated but they do not go hand-in-hand. For fear of being assertive and aggressive, I believed that by being indecisive I would become more gentle. But I have discovered that it has only left me dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. Oh, how I still have much to learn about being a woman of God!
Lord, may you teach me the gentle ways of Christ and help me fight my indecision. Show me the freedom in Christ we have to confidently make decisions in our life that ultimately glorify you.
Friday, August 3, 2012
unrecognized and unashamed
Summer is gone, and I am left with a deep longing to relive it all again. This was my last summer break and I couldn't have asked for a better, more humbling experience.
My trip to China to see family was wonderful as usual, and I always love seeing my extended family because even though we don't know each other that well there's a special bond between all of us when we reunite. I savor the moments of silence when we are all just sitting there watching tv or enjoying a delicious home-cooked Chinese meal together. Being in China makes me wonder what could have been if I never left there and miss the good times I do have every chance I get to go back. Furthermore each time I go back the Spirit's tug on my heart to share the gospel gets stronger and stronger. This time I gave one of my uncles the book of John in Chinese to read. I pray that he has opened it and that God is slowly moving into his heart. Maybe in the near future God will provide another opportunity for me to go back and see them.
After China, I headed to Camp Sweeney land for the next six weeks. Camp Sweeney is a nonprofit pediatric diabetes camp for kids of all ages. I worked as part of the medical staff there along with 12 other people. To say the least, my experience there was a very obvious love-hate relationship (maybe hate is too strong a word). I absolutely loved seeing the kids each day, happy as can be, reuniting with old friends from years past and making new friends as they go. They have such a strong close bond with one another and it's wonderful to see that there is a place they can go where they don't have to be ashamed of their disease and can be considered "normal". I never realized how much trouble they must go through every day at school with diabetes. Many of them get in trouble too because teachers think that they are shooting up drugs when they are actually giving themselves insulin shots. I never knew how crippling diabetes could be to one's health, family situation, and financial well-being. So many kids were on scholarship to come here and many of them went home with free insulin because it is so expensive to buy. My heart breaks to know that many will go home and the good diabetic control that they have achieved at camp will go down the drain simply because they don't have the means to test themselves often and give themselves shots. Especially this last session, there were many more campers who were considered "troubled kids" because they come from hard backgrounds and really need more attention in their lives.
On the other hand, dealing with the counseling staff and administration was more difficult and often times put a damper on my Sweeney experience. We were usually underappreciated if appreciated at all, never really encouraged, and taken for granted. Our job gradually went from taking care of sick kids to serving the counseling staff whenever they needed something done. Things did not start off on the right foot which affected the entire summer. Toward the end our relationship improved but there was still some tension. Even the campers didn't appreciate what we did. They would always joke that we give out cough drops for everything even if it was unrelated to their symptoms (partially true in a joking way). Sometimes they wouldn't even trust our judgment because they assumed that we were just trying to get them away from our hospital. It also didn't really help whenever med staff would complain and gripe about counselors and our "pitiful" situation. We always felt left out of things and people made a point to voice their opinion about that all the time. By the time the last week came around, med staff was tired, unenthusiastic, eager to leave, and doing a poor job at almost everything. It was really discouraging to see and hard to motivate people to push through until the end.
What I realized was what the camp director said in the beginning, "This is for the kids. Not for you." At the time I understood the statement was meant to motivate us and prevent us from seeking attention for ourselves, but I never realized how extreme this camp took that statement. I can see why kids love him so much as their doctor. He is willing to sacrifice everything for the kids. I think these past six weeks have shown me a glimpse of what true service looks like -- when you're unrecognized, unappreciated, and tired and nobody even cares that you are there. It sounds like a worst-case scenario that no one wants to be in, but honestly when it comes down to it, if you are still willing to serve in that situation, you truly have a servant's heart. This is exactly what happened to Christ. He was unappreciated by his people, unrecognized for the good he did, and always demanded for more by the Jews. Yet he never sought the approval of men and never based his worth on how people thought of his service toward them. He only sought the Father's love and found complete joy and satisfaction in that. He knew that in this world, all things would end up disappointing us, but our Heavenly Father loves us unwaveringly. Jesus was unashamed of the judgment he endured from fellow men and the punishment he received because of what he did because it ultimately pointed back to the Father's love. Now, I am light-years away from having the heart of service that Christ had, but it's humbling to see how even a secular experience points back to the gospel and teaches me how to love God and love people more. The road of sanctification is rocky and bumpy, but God must sand away at the rough parts of our life in order to make room for the beautiful things he has in store for us. May he continue to sanctify us through and through so that we are more like him with each passing day!
My trip to China to see family was wonderful as usual, and I always love seeing my extended family because even though we don't know each other that well there's a special bond between all of us when we reunite. I savor the moments of silence when we are all just sitting there watching tv or enjoying a delicious home-cooked Chinese meal together. Being in China makes me wonder what could have been if I never left there and miss the good times I do have every chance I get to go back. Furthermore each time I go back the Spirit's tug on my heart to share the gospel gets stronger and stronger. This time I gave one of my uncles the book of John in Chinese to read. I pray that he has opened it and that God is slowly moving into his heart. Maybe in the near future God will provide another opportunity for me to go back and see them.
After China, I headed to Camp Sweeney land for the next six weeks. Camp Sweeney is a nonprofit pediatric diabetes camp for kids of all ages. I worked as part of the medical staff there along with 12 other people. To say the least, my experience there was a very obvious love-hate relationship (maybe hate is too strong a word). I absolutely loved seeing the kids each day, happy as can be, reuniting with old friends from years past and making new friends as they go. They have such a strong close bond with one another and it's wonderful to see that there is a place they can go where they don't have to be ashamed of their disease and can be considered "normal". I never realized how much trouble they must go through every day at school with diabetes. Many of them get in trouble too because teachers think that they are shooting up drugs when they are actually giving themselves insulin shots. I never knew how crippling diabetes could be to one's health, family situation, and financial well-being. So many kids were on scholarship to come here and many of them went home with free insulin because it is so expensive to buy. My heart breaks to know that many will go home and the good diabetic control that they have achieved at camp will go down the drain simply because they don't have the means to test themselves often and give themselves shots. Especially this last session, there were many more campers who were considered "troubled kids" because they come from hard backgrounds and really need more attention in their lives.
On the other hand, dealing with the counseling staff and administration was more difficult and often times put a damper on my Sweeney experience. We were usually underappreciated if appreciated at all, never really encouraged, and taken for granted. Our job gradually went from taking care of sick kids to serving the counseling staff whenever they needed something done. Things did not start off on the right foot which affected the entire summer. Toward the end our relationship improved but there was still some tension. Even the campers didn't appreciate what we did. They would always joke that we give out cough drops for everything even if it was unrelated to their symptoms (partially true in a joking way). Sometimes they wouldn't even trust our judgment because they assumed that we were just trying to get them away from our hospital. It also didn't really help whenever med staff would complain and gripe about counselors and our "pitiful" situation. We always felt left out of things and people made a point to voice their opinion about that all the time. By the time the last week came around, med staff was tired, unenthusiastic, eager to leave, and doing a poor job at almost everything. It was really discouraging to see and hard to motivate people to push through until the end.
What I realized was what the camp director said in the beginning, "This is for the kids. Not for you." At the time I understood the statement was meant to motivate us and prevent us from seeking attention for ourselves, but I never realized how extreme this camp took that statement. I can see why kids love him so much as their doctor. He is willing to sacrifice everything for the kids. I think these past six weeks have shown me a glimpse of what true service looks like -- when you're unrecognized, unappreciated, and tired and nobody even cares that you are there. It sounds like a worst-case scenario that no one wants to be in, but honestly when it comes down to it, if you are still willing to serve in that situation, you truly have a servant's heart. This is exactly what happened to Christ. He was unappreciated by his people, unrecognized for the good he did, and always demanded for more by the Jews. Yet he never sought the approval of men and never based his worth on how people thought of his service toward them. He only sought the Father's love and found complete joy and satisfaction in that. He knew that in this world, all things would end up disappointing us, but our Heavenly Father loves us unwaveringly. Jesus was unashamed of the judgment he endured from fellow men and the punishment he received because of what he did because it ultimately pointed back to the Father's love. Now, I am light-years away from having the heart of service that Christ had, but it's humbling to see how even a secular experience points back to the gospel and teaches me how to love God and love people more. The road of sanctification is rocky and bumpy, but God must sand away at the rough parts of our life in order to make room for the beautiful things he has in store for us. May he continue to sanctify us through and through so that we are more like him with each passing day!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
swimming thoughts
+ being in the working world is taxing and not everyone is amiable and hard-working
+ kids are good at lying about almost everything
+ a large part of sickness is psychological - if you think you're sick, you will feel more sick
+ the saddest thing is seeing a child discouraged and alone
+ eloquency is not my thing
+ still haven't discovered if medicine is for me
+ days without reading his word causes a great hunger in me
+ time is my enemy at camp
+ all children are hungry for something - attention, love, acceptance, encouragement, etc - and they don't know how to satisfy it
+ med students love to complain, shift the blame to others, and take glory for themselves (including myself)
+ is it better to let kids face reality or shelter them from the negativitiy of the world?
+ it's draining to put others before yourself, if you rely only on your own strength
+ having close friends in the workplace seems rather risky and improbable
+ breaking down barriers you build up is the only way to reach others
an update of summer will be coming soon...
+ kids are good at lying about almost everything
+ a large part of sickness is psychological - if you think you're sick, you will feel more sick
+ the saddest thing is seeing a child discouraged and alone
+ eloquency is not my thing
+ still haven't discovered if medicine is for me
+ days without reading his word causes a great hunger in me
+ time is my enemy at camp
+ all children are hungry for something - attention, love, acceptance, encouragement, etc - and they don't know how to satisfy it
+ med students love to complain, shift the blame to others, and take glory for themselves (including myself)
+ is it better to let kids face reality or shelter them from the negativitiy of the world?
+ it's draining to put others before yourself, if you rely only on your own strength
+ having close friends in the workplace seems rather risky and improbable
+ breaking down barriers you build up is the only way to reach others
an update of summer will be coming soon...
Friday, May 25, 2012
redeemed by a holy God
Over a year ago I decided that I would pursue the path of medicine. My heart said that I shouldn't because I had lost my passion for being a physician, but my mind told me that this is where God was leading me. Everything else I tried to apply for senior year fell through, so I could no longer run away from what was to come. After the first week of medical school, I honestly did not think I could make it through the year, let alone the next 4 years. During the darkest times, I was just one email away from telling my academic dean that I couldn't do it anymore. The academic rigor wasn't even all of it. It played a major part in my first year, but more importantly, I had to learn (yet again) what it means to trust God fully with my life.
First, God showed me what community really meant. I chose to leave Houston because I felt like community was an idol in my life, and I realized here in Dallas that it indeed was. I sought community like I seek most everything else in my life--as a selfish pursuit. I wanted to make Christian friends who would keep me accountable, pray for me everyday, encourage me through God's word. But what ultimately happened when I couldn't find that? I began to judge them in my heart -- for all the things they weren't doing to be what I thought good, strong Christians should be. God needed to show me that community was created another way to bring the glory back to him, that at the crux of it, it's never about us and all about him. If we don't receive the nourishment we need from our fellow brothers and sisters, yes maybe there is something wrong with the community, but more importantly there is probably something wrong with our relationship with God. Good community can never replace a good God, and on the contrary, bad community can never represent a bad God. I didn't understand this until I had almost no community and could only turn to God, pleading with him to change my heart so that I could no longer have so much hatred and judgement inside me. I clung to good community too closely in Houston and at Rice, and when it was taken away, I thought I had lost my foothold.
Second, "not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Rom 5:3-5). When I got to the part where suffering was supposed to produce endurance, I wanted to run away instead. Ironically I also did not turn to this verse to give me encouragement to keep pressing forward. I just did what I normally do -- doubt. I cannot count the number of times I wrestled with God asking him to take away the burden of medical school and of being a doctor. I asked so hard that if he wanted me here, the answer would be much clearer than the murky perspective I was getting. But my ultimatum to myself was that the only clear sign that this wasn't God's plan was if I failed out, and fortunately (or unfortuately?), that hasn't happened. I realized that the promises we make to each other or to God can be loosely attended to or held with the utmost regard as a covenant. Although my ultimatum wasn't an "official" covenant with God, the trust I placed in him when I first accepted his grace was, and that covenant to follow God's will must continue into eternity.
Third, despite all my shortcomings and failures, my Lord is holy and he cannot forsake me. I experienced very distinct moments where the sin of this world could have taken me back where I came from, but in those moments the tug of Christ's love was stronger than ever. I am constantly amazed how God could ever love me, a broken and sinful creature, how he could step down from his holy throne to walk the earth that I do. If anything, the one good thing being in medical school has done for me is to make the gospel even more real in my life. The whole idea of practicing medicine admits to the fact that we can never be the perfect physician -- we are constantly learning from our mistakes. We can only get so far before we hit that glass ceiling. Our service to mankind has its limits. I think that is the hardest thing for doctors to accept. They can't embrace the idea that a holy God has already done what they seek to do in people's lives. One thing I know now is that this profession is nothing more than another way God uses those who are weak-minded to carry out his purpose to bring glory to his name. Doctors are no greater any other profession; we are all instruments of our mighty God.
Let us "ascribe to the Lord the glory due to his name and worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness" (Psalm 29:2)!
Honor and power and praise to the Savior, for he is the Answer!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
"do you always have to go to church?"
At church we have been going through a series on 1 Peter and what it means to "stand out from crowd" as Christians. It has been a humbling reminder that if we don't stand out then we have to question if we are truly living out our faith. As Asians, our cultural views tell us that being different is not good; a Japanese proverb states that the nail which sticks out will get hammered. We value conformity and the needs of the whole society over the needs of one individual. So as Christians, we are challenged to no longer conform to our old natures but to be holy as God's people.
This is really easy to do when you are surrounded by fellow brothers and sisters every single day of your life. There is definitely strength in numbers, and you need strength when it comes to sharing your faith. But what about the times when you are the only one or one of very few Christians? More likely than not, once you leave college, you will experience what this is like (unless you go to seminary, jk). Medical school is definitely a place where I have felt the darkness of hearts turned away from Christ. It is a really scary feeling, almost like spiritual suffocation. I felt that the first week of medical school, and I wanted to flee. I really didn't know how to stand out in the crowd anymore because all I wanted to do was just curl up and hide. How could I be Christian here? How could I even share my faith with my classmates? There's only one of me and hundreds of them...
But praise be to God, for he delivers his loved ones from the grips of evil. He takes despair and discouragement and turns it into hope and strength. He refuses to let you believe that you have been misplaced, that you were meant to be elsewhere. Just recently, my faith has slowly been seen by my classmates who don't know Christ, and even though I am weak and still feel intimidated whenever they ask me simple questions like "Do you go to church every Sunday?" my God is speaking into their hearts and they see a difference. I can't say they want to know the truth that I know in Christ, but they see a difference. Just that is more than I could ever ask for. I praise God for a fellow sister who shared with me similar thoughts on ministering to our classmates and provided much encouragement. Her words were simple but spoke the truth -- we are on the mission field; our friends need Christ and we could be the only Christians they ever get close to, so how are we going to live out our faith? I remember back at Urbana 09 one speaker say to pray big and pray bold. This is where I have started. There are three years left of medical school; three years to become a doctor, but more importantly three years to see Christ move in the hearts of those who have not been touched by the light. How amazing it would be to witness my classmates become my fellow brothers and sisters! The last time I prayed boldly was for at least one sophomore (now junior) girl to receive salvation last year, and how God answered that prayer above and beyond! Who says he can't do it again? Our God is an awesome God and mighty to save. We need only be open to his calling and willing to obey, and he will do the rest.
Monday, April 23, 2012
the urgency of today
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
- Micah 6:8
What does God expect of me? For so long, I have only focused on how the gospel lives in my life, how it applies to my salvation and relationship with Christ. Slowly, I have moved on to how it applies to the lives of those around me and I have tried in whatever capacity to mentor those newer to the faith in what God has taught me. But is that it? Is that all God expects of me? I find that there has always existed a disconnect between my faith and my deeds. Sometimes I do good, but only for the things I am passionate about. I don't think being a Christian is just about making yourself right with God, reading his Word, encouraging others in community, etc. There has to be something more. I have been doing all this thinking about God, his love for us, how awesome he is, and all this great stuff, but it's not translating. I'm not doing anything.
Med school really fosters a particular attitude. The "one day I will ready to save lives, but not today" attitude. You're so focused on studying, so intent on doing your best in the here and now that you forget that there's a world still out there waiting to be saved. How do you know that in 4 years you'll still be on this earth? How do you even know that in 4 years what you're learning will be needed (apparently almost half the stuff we learn right now will be wrong in like 10 yrs, go figure)? Why do we wait? Well, because the administration tells us that we need to focus on doing well now so that we can be excellent doctors in the future. Now and again there will be opportunities (aka health fairs) to use what you have learned to make an impact on the community, and don't get me wrong, those are great, but do you ask yourself if that is enough? I ask myself that all the time because for some reason, it always rubs me the wrong way to do such sporadic good, like my life just needs a little sprinkling of volunteerism and good deeds to still be worthy of the "future doctor" title.
In the verse from Micah, the first thing it says that God requires of us is to do justice. It's not to read the Bible every day, go to church every Sunday, fast once in a while, etc. And yes, you can argue that in other passages God has other commands that he finds more important (Matt 22:36-38), but you also can't argue that doing justice is not up there in importance. The entire passage about the final judgment and how God will separate the sheep from the goats is about serving the poor and doing justice (Matt 25:31-46). God demands our lives and he isn't about waiting for tomorrow , or the next day, or the next 10 years to pass by before we do something for his kingdom. What if you lived every day as if Jesus was returning at the end of that day? How would things be different? Would you still be wasting it on the computer (ha ha) or watching TV or just hanging out with your friends casually? It's hard to think that way, but this is something I want to pray for every day when I wake up because I know that if I don't, that day will not be lived to display the fullest of God's glory.
I have decided that I'm going to start small by selling some of my old clothes in order to raise money for missions and organizations that help alleviate poverty. No details have been hashed out; this is a barely thought-out idea, but I could use your prayer, dear reader, for the logistics and for potentially asking my church to join me in this endeavor.
Yes, becoming a doctor is a great and wonderful thing, something that I am blessed God has given me, but today is not the day I can be a doctor. Today and every day I can still be a follower of Christ, and my actions must line up with my words.
- Micah 6:8
What does God expect of me? For so long, I have only focused on how the gospel lives in my life, how it applies to my salvation and relationship with Christ. Slowly, I have moved on to how it applies to the lives of those around me and I have tried in whatever capacity to mentor those newer to the faith in what God has taught me. But is that it? Is that all God expects of me? I find that there has always existed a disconnect between my faith and my deeds. Sometimes I do good, but only for the things I am passionate about. I don't think being a Christian is just about making yourself right with God, reading his Word, encouraging others in community, etc. There has to be something more. I have been doing all this thinking about God, his love for us, how awesome he is, and all this great stuff, but it's not translating. I'm not doing anything.
Med school really fosters a particular attitude. The "one day I will ready to save lives, but not today" attitude. You're so focused on studying, so intent on doing your best in the here and now that you forget that there's a world still out there waiting to be saved. How do you know that in 4 years you'll still be on this earth? How do you even know that in 4 years what you're learning will be needed (apparently almost half the stuff we learn right now will be wrong in like 10 yrs, go figure)? Why do we wait? Well, because the administration tells us that we need to focus on doing well now so that we can be excellent doctors in the future. Now and again there will be opportunities (aka health fairs) to use what you have learned to make an impact on the community, and don't get me wrong, those are great, but do you ask yourself if that is enough? I ask myself that all the time because for some reason, it always rubs me the wrong way to do such sporadic good, like my life just needs a little sprinkling of volunteerism and good deeds to still be worthy of the "future doctor" title.
In the verse from Micah, the first thing it says that God requires of us is to do justice. It's not to read the Bible every day, go to church every Sunday, fast once in a while, etc. And yes, you can argue that in other passages God has other commands that he finds more important (Matt 22:36-38), but you also can't argue that doing justice is not up there in importance. The entire passage about the final judgment and how God will separate the sheep from the goats is about serving the poor and doing justice (Matt 25:31-46). God demands our lives and he isn't about waiting for tomorrow , or the next day, or the next 10 years to pass by before we do something for his kingdom. What if you lived every day as if Jesus was returning at the end of that day? How would things be different? Would you still be wasting it on the computer (ha ha) or watching TV or just hanging out with your friends casually? It's hard to think that way, but this is something I want to pray for every day when I wake up because I know that if I don't, that day will not be lived to display the fullest of God's glory.
I have decided that I'm going to start small by selling some of my old clothes in order to raise money for missions and organizations that help alleviate poverty. No details have been hashed out; this is a barely thought-out idea, but I could use your prayer, dear reader, for the logistics and for potentially asking my church to join me in this endeavor.
Yes, becoming a doctor is a great and wonderful thing, something that I am blessed God has given me, but today is not the day I can be a doctor. Today and every day I can still be a follower of Christ, and my actions must line up with my words.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
water into wine and an all-sufficient God
I love reading about Jesus' miracles and seeing how each of them points back to the gospel, especially the wedding at Cana. It was his first miracle, and although Jesus tells Mary that it isn't his time yet, he goes ahead with it because he knows that the Father has willed it. I love how Jesus takes purification jars, asks the servants to fill them with water, and turns that water into wine, not just any wine but the best wine of the night. It reminds me of how we are purified by his blood and sanctified to become like Christ as we grow in our relationship with God.
Also, the reason why all this even happened was because the bridegroom of the wedding did not plan well enough to provide enough wine at the event. But Jesus covers for his fault and when the new wine is presented to the master of the feast, he compliments the bridegroom on how well he has done by saving the best for last. I think we all can relate to how the bridegroom felt at that moment, confused, surprised and in awe at what just happened. In our weakness, we were made great, but not because of anything from ourselves but what was done entirely through the hands of Jesus. We see how Jesus is the perfect bridegroom who is all-sufficient for our every need. No person in this world will ever be able to fill the void in our hearts. No matter how hard we work like the bridegroom did to provide for our loved ones or ourselves, we always fall short, but God fills in our cracks and provides even outside of our needs. That night at the wedding, Jesus never mentioned what he did; he didn't butt in and say that it was actually he who provided the wine. Many people saw, though, and through that his glory was manifested. He was glorified through the "act" of the bridegroom. Similarly, he is always glorified when our actions are in obedience to his will.
Yesterday, I went to a medical missions fellowship group started about two years ago by a couple doctors who realized they all had the similar goal of long term missions. It was my first time going, and although I was a little wary of what to expect, God showed me once again how he is the sole provider of my needs. It was blessing even to simply hear 30-second prayer requests from all the people in attendance, prayer for guidance in decision-making about moving overseas, prayer for what the next step is from desiring to do missions to actually going, prayer for preparation as families move out into the field, and so much more. Missions isn't really something I have to decide on at the moment, but what touched me the most was seeing so many godly men and women on the other side of things, so to speak. People who have made it through medical school and stayed firm in their faith, people who may not have wanted to practice medicine initially but were confirmed time and again that this was the ministry God desires for them, people who really don't know what they want to do with their lives and are ok with that because God is good and able. I have constantly been experiencing the goodness that comes with being patient with my Lord and letting him take the reins on my life. Just when I get anxious or find myself slipping, he displays again how sufficient he is. He keeps me on the true and straight path and I am blessed because of it. What a great God we have!
Also, the reason why all this even happened was because the bridegroom of the wedding did not plan well enough to provide enough wine at the event. But Jesus covers for his fault and when the new wine is presented to the master of the feast, he compliments the bridegroom on how well he has done by saving the best for last. I think we all can relate to how the bridegroom felt at that moment, confused, surprised and in awe at what just happened. In our weakness, we were made great, but not because of anything from ourselves but what was done entirely through the hands of Jesus. We see how Jesus is the perfect bridegroom who is all-sufficient for our every need. No person in this world will ever be able to fill the void in our hearts. No matter how hard we work like the bridegroom did to provide for our loved ones or ourselves, we always fall short, but God fills in our cracks and provides even outside of our needs. That night at the wedding, Jesus never mentioned what he did; he didn't butt in and say that it was actually he who provided the wine. Many people saw, though, and through that his glory was manifested. He was glorified through the "act" of the bridegroom. Similarly, he is always glorified when our actions are in obedience to his will.
Yesterday, I went to a medical missions fellowship group started about two years ago by a couple doctors who realized they all had the similar goal of long term missions. It was my first time going, and although I was a little wary of what to expect, God showed me once again how he is the sole provider of my needs. It was blessing even to simply hear 30-second prayer requests from all the people in attendance, prayer for guidance in decision-making about moving overseas, prayer for what the next step is from desiring to do missions to actually going, prayer for preparation as families move out into the field, and so much more. Missions isn't really something I have to decide on at the moment, but what touched me the most was seeing so many godly men and women on the other side of things, so to speak. People who have made it through medical school and stayed firm in their faith, people who may not have wanted to practice medicine initially but were confirmed time and again that this was the ministry God desires for them, people who really don't know what they want to do with their lives and are ok with that because God is good and able. I have constantly been experiencing the goodness that comes with being patient with my Lord and letting him take the reins on my life. Just when I get anxious or find myself slipping, he displays again how sufficient he is. He keeps me on the true and straight path and I am blessed because of it. What a great God we have!
Friday, April 6, 2012
a puritan prayer for good friday
The Dark Guest
O Lord,
Bend my hands and cut them off,
for I have often struck thee with a wayward will,
when these fingers should embrace thee by faith.
for I have often struck thee with a wayward will,
when these fingers should embrace thee by faith.
I am not yet weaned from all created glory,
honour, wisdom, and esteem of others,
for I have a secret motive to eye my name in all I do.
honour, wisdom, and esteem of others,
for I have a secret motive to eye my name in all I do.
Let me not only speak the word sin,
but see the thing itself.
but see the thing itself.
Give me to view a discovered sinfulness,
to know that though my sins are crucified
they are never wholly mortified.
to know that though my sins are crucified
they are never wholly mortified.
Hatred, malice, ill-will,
vain-glory that hungers for and hunts after
man's approval and applause,
all are crucified, forgiven,
but they rise again in my sinful heart.
vain-glory that hungers for and hunts after
man's approval and applause,
all are crucified, forgiven,
but they rise again in my sinful heart.
O my crucified but never wholly mortified sinfulness!
O my life-long damage and daily shame!
O my indwelling and besetting sins!
O the tormenting slavery of a sinful heart!
O my life-long damage and daily shame!
O my indwelling and besetting sins!
O the tormenting slavery of a sinful heart!
Destroy, O God, the dark guest within
whose hidden presence makes my life a hell.
whose hidden presence makes my life a hell.
Yet thou hast not left me here without grace;
The cross still stands and meets my needs
in the deepest straits of the soul.
The cross still stands and meets my needs
in the deepest straits of the soul.
I thank thee that my remembrance of it
is like David's sight of Goliath's sword
which preached forth thy deliverance.
is like David's sight of Goliath's sword
which preached forth thy deliverance.
The memory of my great sins,
my many temptations, my falls,
bring afresh into my mind the remembrance
of thy great help, of thy support from heaven,
of the great grace that saved such a wretch as I am.
my many temptations, my falls,
bring afresh into my mind the remembrance
of thy great help, of thy support from heaven,
of the great grace that saved such a wretch as I am.
There is no treasure so wonderful
as that continuous experience of thy grace
toward me which alone can subdue the risings of sin within:
as that continuous experience of thy grace
toward me which alone can subdue the risings of sin within:
Give me more of it.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
life update
I haven't written in a while about life, so here goes (in bullet format):
- finished Physiology block - praise God! - now we are in "the best time of first year excluding pass/fail fall semester" according to MS2s, sounds promising
- El Paso mission trip - amazing experience, learned a lot of medicine, met cool brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraged by doctors and residents who live out their faith in their career
- helped lead worship for the first time (in El Paso) - very interesting experience, I love worship and sharing it with others, but I don't know if I like leading it
- also from the mission trip, I fell in love with family medicine - possible career option? definitely. Have I ruled out pediatrics? not yet, but primary care for sure :)
- praise God for affirming again his decision for me to pursue medicine through the trip - not of my will but of His - I will continue to follow his plan as he shapes my heart for this ministry in my life
- continually reminded of how little compassion I have for others, friends and strangers, and how prone I am to judge
- visited Houston for the weekend - I love seeing my family and sharing the simple moments in life with them, eating meals together, watching TV, receiving the latest news about friends and family from my mommy
- also the familiarity of hanging out with old friends is comforting and warm
- excited for my high school best friend who is now engaged to be married!
- looking forward to running my half marathon in mid-April, the end of MS1 year, seeing my relatives in China for two weeks over the summer, and working on the medical staff for 6 weeks at Camp Sweeney (children's diabetes camp outside of Dallas)
- considering and praying about applying for membership at my new church in Dallas so that I can serve in a greater capacity with youth
- just jumped on the bandwagon and read The Hunger Games (book 1 only) - not as great as I expected or everyone makes it out to be, but still a good and quick read
- started reading Miracles by C.S. Lewis (haha much different genre than the aforementioned) - it argues for the existence of miracles in life and encourages Christians to acknowledge they do exist especially considering the greatest miracle of all is the resurrection of Christ - seems fitting with Easter coming up
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:36)
- finished Physiology block - praise God! - now we are in "the best time of first year excluding pass/fail fall semester" according to MS2s, sounds promising
- El Paso mission trip - amazing experience, learned a lot of medicine, met cool brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraged by doctors and residents who live out their faith in their career
- helped lead worship for the first time (in El Paso) - very interesting experience, I love worship and sharing it with others, but I don't know if I like leading it
- also from the mission trip, I fell in love with family medicine - possible career option? definitely. Have I ruled out pediatrics? not yet, but primary care for sure :)
- praise God for affirming again his decision for me to pursue medicine through the trip - not of my will but of His - I will continue to follow his plan as he shapes my heart for this ministry in my life
- continually reminded of how little compassion I have for others, friends and strangers, and how prone I am to judge
- visited Houston for the weekend - I love seeing my family and sharing the simple moments in life with them, eating meals together, watching TV, receiving the latest news about friends and family from my mommy
- also the familiarity of hanging out with old friends is comforting and warm
- excited for my high school best friend who is now engaged to be married!
- looking forward to running my half marathon in mid-April, the end of MS1 year, seeing my relatives in China for two weeks over the summer, and working on the medical staff for 6 weeks at Camp Sweeney (children's diabetes camp outside of Dallas)
- considering and praying about applying for membership at my new church in Dallas so that I can serve in a greater capacity with youth
- just jumped on the bandwagon and read The Hunger Games (book 1 only) - not as great as I expected or everyone makes it out to be, but still a good and quick read
- started reading Miracles by C.S. Lewis (haha much different genre than the aforementioned) - it argues for the existence of miracles in life and encourages Christians to acknowledge they do exist especially considering the greatest miracle of all is the resurrection of Christ - seems fitting with Easter coming up
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:36)
Monday, March 5, 2012
mind blown
"God saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began."
- 2 Timothy 1:9
"Saving grace was given to us before the ages began.That is, it was given to us before there was any human sin to save us from. Therefore, grace was planned before human sin was there to need it. This means that God's plan to save us through grace was not a response to human decisions to sin. Saving grace was the plan that made sin necessary. God did not find sin in the world and then make a plan to remedy it. He had the plan before the ages, and that plan was for the glory of sin-conquering grace through the death of Jesus Christ...the ultimate aim of the eternal plan was that praise might be as intense as possible for the glory of God's grace And the apex of that glory is in the death of Jesus."
- John Piper, Spectacular Sins (emphasis mine)
- 2 Timothy 1:9
"Saving grace was given to us before the ages began.That is, it was given to us before there was any human sin to save us from. Therefore, grace was planned before human sin was there to need it. This means that God's plan to save us through grace was not a response to human decisions to sin. Saving grace was the plan that made sin necessary. God did not find sin in the world and then make a plan to remedy it. He had the plan before the ages, and that plan was for the glory of sin-conquering grace through the death of Jesus Christ...the ultimate aim of the eternal plan was that praise might be as intense as possible for the glory of God's grace And the apex of that glory is in the death of Jesus."
- John Piper, Spectacular Sins (emphasis mine)
Monday, February 20, 2012
sarcasm
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/28310-americas-obsession-with-sarcasm
This article reminds me of my life before knowing Christ, using sarcasm to bring others down to my level. Even though I now know why I have been sarcastic for a good part of my life, I still need reminding when those kinds of words are about to come out. I wonder what my life would be like free of sarcasm....infinitely more pleasant for others for sure and probably also more pleasant for myself too. One more thing that shows how broken we are as people and how perfect God is as our Savior.
This article reminds me of my life before knowing Christ, using sarcasm to bring others down to my level. Even though I now know why I have been sarcastic for a good part of my life, I still need reminding when those kinds of words are about to come out. I wonder what my life would be like free of sarcasm....infinitely more pleasant for others for sure and probably also more pleasant for myself too. One more thing that shows how broken we are as people and how perfect God is as our Savior.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
following your dreams?
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9b-10
In comparison to our parents' generation, our generation has been told to "follow our dreams, do what we are most passionate about, not be afraid of taking a chance on life." In college we come in as the typical engineering majors or pre-med students, but after a year of taking intro courses, we decide that we are not going to follow in the footsteps of our parents, but instead we pave our own way as we venture into the liberal arts and such. Maybe this is more applicable to Asian-Americans, but nonetheless it's seen almost everywhere. So what happens when we realize we aren't following our dreams? Or not pursuing our greatest passion in life? Most of us in this generation quit because we believe that God has a greater plan for us in another career, and that may be true, but are we really seeking his wisdom about it or just covering up our own feelings with a God-centered purpose?
Since being in med school, I have struggled with this whole "following my dream" idea. Being a doctor hasn't been my dream for a couple of years now, but I'm still here. I wonder to myself all the time if I should be doing something else, if I misread some signs from God that he wanted me here, if I was ever cut out for being a doctor. And I have come pretty close to calling it quits, like this week (haha), but God speaks to us even in our greatest times of doubt. He spoke through my parents, my mentor at school, and mostly importantly the Word. This verse comes from when Paul is talking about the thorn in his side that was placed there to keep him humble. It keeps him from doing certain things, but even in his weakness, he recognizes that God is stronger and for that reason he boasts all the more of his mighty power. Now my situation is not as bad as Paul's for sure; however, I can empathize with him. As bad as it sounds, med school has been that thorn in my side (or so I think), keeping me from doing what I want (which honestly, I'm not even sure about). I have tried to remove it myself by contemplating other career options and giving up on this. God for some reason has not let me do this. Maybe because he wants me to see how selfish my reasons are (i.e. it's not my passion, it's not what I want to do, etc) or desires to achieve a greater glory through this journey to becoming a doctor. All I know is that it has shifted my view on how to understand God's calling for you. Yes, he wants you to be happy; yes, he is working for your good; yes, he will give you wisdom when needed. But, if we don't stick through the times where we hate what we're doing, we have no desire to continue on, we lack any sort of passion for our ministry or job or education, how can we say we believe in the power of God working through what Christ has done on the cross? How can we boast of his strength when we don't even let him use it in our weakness? God wants you to follow your dreams, but you have to want to follow him more and what he has set out for you. It may not be clear that this season of life is a step closer to that dream, but I think God knows better than we do the steps that we need to take to get there and how to glorify him the most through it.
In comparison to our parents' generation, our generation has been told to "follow our dreams, do what we are most passionate about, not be afraid of taking a chance on life." In college we come in as the typical engineering majors or pre-med students, but after a year of taking intro courses, we decide that we are not going to follow in the footsteps of our parents, but instead we pave our own way as we venture into the liberal arts and such. Maybe this is more applicable to Asian-Americans, but nonetheless it's seen almost everywhere. So what happens when we realize we aren't following our dreams? Or not pursuing our greatest passion in life? Most of us in this generation quit because we believe that God has a greater plan for us in another career, and that may be true, but are we really seeking his wisdom about it or just covering up our own feelings with a God-centered purpose?
Since being in med school, I have struggled with this whole "following my dream" idea. Being a doctor hasn't been my dream for a couple of years now, but I'm still here. I wonder to myself all the time if I should be doing something else, if I misread some signs from God that he wanted me here, if I was ever cut out for being a doctor. And I have come pretty close to calling it quits, like this week (haha), but God speaks to us even in our greatest times of doubt. He spoke through my parents, my mentor at school, and mostly importantly the Word. This verse comes from when Paul is talking about the thorn in his side that was placed there to keep him humble. It keeps him from doing certain things, but even in his weakness, he recognizes that God is stronger and for that reason he boasts all the more of his mighty power. Now my situation is not as bad as Paul's for sure; however, I can empathize with him. As bad as it sounds, med school has been that thorn in my side (or so I think), keeping me from doing what I want (which honestly, I'm not even sure about). I have tried to remove it myself by contemplating other career options and giving up on this. God for some reason has not let me do this. Maybe because he wants me to see how selfish my reasons are (i.e. it's not my passion, it's not what I want to do, etc) or desires to achieve a greater glory through this journey to becoming a doctor. All I know is that it has shifted my view on how to understand God's calling for you. Yes, he wants you to be happy; yes, he is working for your good; yes, he will give you wisdom when needed. But, if we don't stick through the times where we hate what we're doing, we have no desire to continue on, we lack any sort of passion for our ministry or job or education, how can we say we believe in the power of God working through what Christ has done on the cross? How can we boast of his strength when we don't even let him use it in our weakness? God wants you to follow your dreams, but you have to want to follow him more and what he has set out for you. It may not be clear that this season of life is a step closer to that dream, but I think God knows better than we do the steps that we need to take to get there and how to glorify him the most through it.
Friday, January 27, 2012
a labor of love
The appetite of laborers works for them; their hunger drives them on. - Proverbs 16:26
Something that I have always struggled with but just put on the back-burner is how to glorify God through school/work. In college, school really was not a priority of mine -- my grades were not the best and occasionally I would think about boosting my resume for med school (hence the one year, and only one year, of research). Especially toward the end of the four years, I really forgot about placing school as a priority. I think we all say that as a way to confirm that our priority is God, but that excuse no longer sits well with me.
Now that I am in med school it really does not apply anymore because heck, all I do is breathe school. I see my classmates around me labor day after day on our syllabus, memorizing every minute detail, highlighting every other sentence, red circles all over the place marking what is important or "high yield". I sit and wonder to myself, why don't I have that voracious passion to do well? The easy answer would be that it's not my #1 priority, God is. And while that is true, there must be something else missing here. As I read this verse, the first thing that came to mind when I read "hunger" was knowing Christ. That is our goal as Christians, right? Our hunger in life to know God more fully and to bring him the glory? So how does our hunger for God drive us to labor? The most obvious ways are through ministry, in our quiet times, in fellowship and communion with others. But going beyond that, how does it manifest in our daily life, our current "work" for God?
I have not found the exact answer to this question as a medical student, but I have some ideas. I know that every time I read some new minute detail in cell biology or understand how our lungs take in air in physiology or grasp the thin line between having a normal child versus a child with a harmful genetic mutation, my mind is blown. There's no way to explain this; even if you go to the finest detail, there is always something that cannot be explained, something yet to be discovered. And although I do not have the researcher's thirst for scientific knowledge, I can appreciate the greatness that God has already revealed to us through his creation. If I have taken away anything from this past semester and right now, it is that God is bigger, more beautiful, more wonderful, and more intricate than I have ever imagined. Furthermore, as a student who is first a Christian, I realize that my hunger to know God starts with knowing his creation more and learning about the fine details that he has mapped in us. It can be rough (especially when you read 20 pages and realize you have retained absolutely nothing), but I hope that in the difficult late nights I will have God to be my hunger, that he will be the appetite that works for me and drives me to succeed for his glory and honor.
Something that I have always struggled with but just put on the back-burner is how to glorify God through school/work. In college, school really was not a priority of mine -- my grades were not the best and occasionally I would think about boosting my resume for med school (hence the one year, and only one year, of research). Especially toward the end of the four years, I really forgot about placing school as a priority. I think we all say that as a way to confirm that our priority is God, but that excuse no longer sits well with me.
Now that I am in med school it really does not apply anymore because heck, all I do is breathe school. I see my classmates around me labor day after day on our syllabus, memorizing every minute detail, highlighting every other sentence, red circles all over the place marking what is important or "high yield". I sit and wonder to myself, why don't I have that voracious passion to do well? The easy answer would be that it's not my #1 priority, God is. And while that is true, there must be something else missing here. As I read this verse, the first thing that came to mind when I read "hunger" was knowing Christ. That is our goal as Christians, right? Our hunger in life to know God more fully and to bring him the glory? So how does our hunger for God drive us to labor? The most obvious ways are through ministry, in our quiet times, in fellowship and communion with others. But going beyond that, how does it manifest in our daily life, our current "work" for God?
I have not found the exact answer to this question as a medical student, but I have some ideas. I know that every time I read some new minute detail in cell biology or understand how our lungs take in air in physiology or grasp the thin line between having a normal child versus a child with a harmful genetic mutation, my mind is blown. There's no way to explain this; even if you go to the finest detail, there is always something that cannot be explained, something yet to be discovered. And although I do not have the researcher's thirst for scientific knowledge, I can appreciate the greatness that God has already revealed to us through his creation. If I have taken away anything from this past semester and right now, it is that God is bigger, more beautiful, more wonderful, and more intricate than I have ever imagined. Furthermore, as a student who is first a Christian, I realize that my hunger to know God starts with knowing his creation more and learning about the fine details that he has mapped in us. It can be rough (especially when you read 20 pages and realize you have retained absolutely nothing), but I hope that in the difficult late nights I will have God to be my hunger, that he will be the appetite that works for me and drives me to succeed for his glory and honor.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
personal bodyguard
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4: 7
Oh Lord Jesus, please guard my heart. Please protect me.
Oh Lord Jesus, please guard my heart. Please protect me.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2 peter 1:5-8
For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
May we take joy in the sanctification we are a part of as God's children and ultimately possess all these qualities and grow in them so that our faith through our words and actions may point others to our precious Savior that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
May we take joy in the sanctification we are a part of as God's children and ultimately possess all these qualities and grow in them so that our faith through our words and actions may point others to our precious Savior that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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