"do you always have to go to church?"

At church we have been going through a series on 1 Peter and what it means to "stand out from crowd" as Christians. It has been a humbling reminder that if we don't stand out then we have to question if we are truly living out our faith. As Asians, our cultural views tell us that being different is not good; a Japanese proverb states that the nail which sticks out will get hammered. We value conformity and the needs of the whole society over the needs of one individual. So as Christians, we are challenged to no longer conform to our old natures but to be holy as God's people.

This is really easy to do when you are surrounded by fellow brothers and sisters every single day of your life. There is definitely strength in numbers, and you need strength when it comes to sharing your faith. But what about the times when you are the only one or one of very few Christians? More likely than not, once you leave college, you will experience what this is like (unless you go to seminary, jk). Medical school is definitely a place where I have felt the darkness of hearts turned away from Christ. It is a really scary feeling, almost like spiritual suffocation. I felt that the first week of medical school, and I wanted to flee. I really didn't know how to stand out in the crowd anymore because all I wanted to do was just curl up and hide. How could I be Christian here? How could I even share my faith with my classmates? There's only one of me and hundreds of them...

But praise be to God, for he delivers his loved ones from the grips of evil. He takes despair and discouragement and turns it into hope and strength. He refuses to let you believe that you have been misplaced, that you were meant to be elsewhere. Just recently, my faith has slowly been seen by my classmates who don't know Christ, and even though I am weak and still feel intimidated whenever they ask me simple questions like "Do you go to church every Sunday?" my God is speaking into their hearts and they see a difference. I can't say they want to know the truth that I know in Christ, but they see a difference. Just that is more than I could ever ask for. I praise God for a fellow sister who shared with me similar thoughts on ministering to our classmates and provided much encouragement. Her words were simple but spoke the truth -- we are on the mission field; our friends need Christ and we could be the only Christians they ever get close to, so how are we going to live out our faith? I remember back at Urbana 09 one speaker say to pray big and pray bold. This is where I have started. There are three years left of medical school; three years to become a doctor, but more importantly three years to see Christ move in the hearts of those who have not been touched by the light. How amazing it would be to witness my classmates become my fellow brothers and sisters! The last time I prayed boldly was for at least one sophomore (now junior) girl to receive salvation last year, and how God answered that prayer above and beyond! Who says he can't do it again? Our God is an awesome God and mighty to save. We need only be open to his calling and willing to obey, and he will do the rest.

the urgency of today

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
- Micah 6:8

What does God expect of me? For so long, I have only focused on how the gospel lives in my life, how it applies to my salvation and relationship with Christ. Slowly, I have moved on to how it applies to the lives of those around me and I have tried in whatever capacity to mentor those newer to the faith in what God has taught me. But is that it? Is that all God expects of me? I find that there has always existed a disconnect between my faith and my deeds. Sometimes I do good, but only for the things I am passionate about. I don't think being a Christian is just about making yourself right with God, reading his Word, encouraging others in community, etc. There has to be something more. I have been doing all this thinking about God, his love for us, how awesome he is, and all this great stuff, but it's not translating. I'm not doing anything.

Med school really fosters a particular attitude. The "one day I will ready to save lives, but not today" attitude. You're so focused on studying, so intent on doing your best in the here and now that you forget that there's a world still out there waiting to be saved. How do you know that in 4 years you'll still be on this earth? How do you even know that in 4 years what you're learning will be needed (apparently almost half the stuff we learn right now will be wrong in like 10 yrs, go figure)? Why do we wait? Well, because the administration tells us that we need to focus on doing well now so that we can be excellent doctors in the future. Now and again there will be opportunities (aka health fairs) to use what you have learned to make an impact on the community, and don't get me wrong, those are great, but do you ask yourself if that is enough? I ask myself that all the time because for some reason, it always rubs me the wrong way to do such sporadic good, like my life just needs a little sprinkling of volunteerism and good deeds to still be worthy of the "future doctor" title.

In the verse from Micah, the first thing it says that God requires of us is to do justice. It's not to read the Bible every day, go to church every Sunday, fast once in a while, etc. And yes, you can argue that in other passages God has other commands that he finds more important (Matt 22:36-38), but you also can't argue that doing justice is not up there in importance. The entire passage about the final judgment and how God will separate the sheep from the goats is about serving the poor and doing justice (Matt 25:31-46). God demands our lives and he isn't about waiting for tomorrow , or the next day, or the next 10 years to pass by before we do something for his kingdom. What if you lived every day as if Jesus was returning at the end of that day? How would things be different? Would you still be wasting it on the computer (ha ha) or watching TV or just hanging out with your friends casually? It's hard to think that way, but this is something I want to pray for every day when I wake up because I know that if I don't, that day will not be lived to display the fullest of God's glory.

I have decided that I'm going to start small by selling some of my old clothes in order to raise money for missions and organizations that help alleviate poverty. No details have been hashed out; this is a barely thought-out idea, but I could use your prayer, dear reader, for the logistics and for potentially asking my church to join me in this endeavor.

Yes, becoming a doctor is a great and wonderful thing, something that I am blessed God has given me, but today is not the day I can be a doctor. Today and every day I can still be a follower of Christ, and my actions must line up with my words.

water into wine and an all-sufficient God

I love reading about Jesus' miracles and seeing how each of them points back to the gospel, especially the wedding at Cana. It was his first miracle, and although Jesus tells Mary that it isn't his time yet, he goes ahead with it because he knows that the Father has willed it. I love how Jesus takes purification jars, asks the servants to fill them with water, and turns that water into wine, not just any wine but the best wine of the night. It reminds me of how we are purified by his blood and sanctified to become like Christ as we grow in our relationship with God.

Also, the reason why all this even happened was because the bridegroom of the wedding did not plan well enough to provide enough wine at the event. But Jesus covers for his fault and when the new wine is presented to the master of the feast, he compliments the bridegroom on how well he has done by saving the best for last. I think we all can relate to how the bridegroom felt at that moment, confused, surprised and in awe at what just happened. In our weakness, we were made great, but not because of anything from ourselves but what was done entirely through the hands of Jesus. We see how Jesus is the perfect bridegroom who is all-sufficient for our every need. No person in this world will ever be able to fill the void in our hearts. No matter how hard we work like the bridegroom did to provide for our loved ones or ourselves, we always fall short, but God fills in our cracks and provides even outside of our needs. That night at the wedding, Jesus never mentioned what he did; he didn't butt in and say that it was actually he who provided the wine. Many people saw, though, and through that his glory was manifested. He was glorified through the "act" of the bridegroom. Similarly, he is always glorified when our actions are in obedience to his will.

Yesterday, I went to a medical missions fellowship group started about two years ago by a couple doctors who realized they all had the similar goal of long term missions. It was my first time going, and although I was a little wary of what to expect, God showed me once again how he is the sole provider of my needs. It was blessing even to simply hear 30-second prayer requests from all the people in attendance, prayer for guidance in decision-making about moving overseas, prayer for what the next step is from desiring to do missions to actually going, prayer for preparation as families move out into the field, and so much more. Missions isn't really something I have to decide on at the moment, but what touched me the most was seeing so many godly men and women on the other side of things, so to speak. People who have made it through medical school and stayed firm in their faith, people who may not have wanted to practice medicine initially but were confirmed time and again that this was the ministry God desires for them, people who really don't know what they want to do with their lives and are ok with that because God is good and able. I have constantly been experiencing the goodness that comes with being patient with my Lord and letting him take the reins on my life. Just when I get anxious or find myself slipping, he displays again how sufficient he is. He keeps me on the true and straight path and I am blessed because of it. What a great God we have!

a puritan prayer for good friday

The Dark Guest

O Lord,

Bend my hands and cut them off,
for I have often struck thee with a wayward will,
when these fingers should embrace thee by faith.

I am not yet weaned from all created glory,
honour, wisdom, and esteem of others,
for I have a secret motive to eye my name in all I do.

Let me not only speak the word sin,
but see the thing itself.

Give me to view a discovered sinfulness,
to know that though my sins are crucified
they are never wholly mortified.

Hatred, malice, ill-will,
vain-glory that hungers for and hunts after
man's approval and applause,
all are crucified, forgiven,
but they rise again in my sinful heart.

O my crucified but never wholly mortified sinfulness!

O my life-long damage and daily shame!

O my indwelling and besetting sins!

O the tormenting slavery of a sinful heart!

Destroy, O God, the dark guest within
whose hidden presence makes my life a hell.

Yet thou hast not left me here without grace;
The cross still stands and meets my needs
in the deepest straits of the soul.

I thank thee that my remembrance of it
is like David's sight of Goliath's sword
which preached forth thy deliverance.

The memory of my great sins,
my many temptations, my falls,
bring afresh into my mind the remembrance
of thy great help, of thy support from heaven,
of the great grace that saved such a wretch as I am.

There is no treasure so wonderful
as that continuous experience of thy grace
toward me which alone can subdue the risings of sin within:

Give me more of it.