roller coaster year

Flipping through my journal from this year, I see the high and low points of a very eventful year. Just in terms of emotions, I have felt extremely loved, depressed, encouraged, distraught, joyful, determined, ecstatic, and apathetic in a substantial way during this year.

The year started a little dreary -- struggling with future career possibilities and fighting against idols I made of other people. I said in 2010 that I was not very cognizant of my sin, but I think God fixed that in me as all I could see were the flaws in my life and how far from God I was in so many ways. But even in the midst of my personal struggles, God's grace in ministry really gave me joy and it was a uplifting feeling to know that he is always faithful to his children. Small group with the sophomore girls was one of the biggest blessings of this year and my life. I learned how broken I was as a Christian and how hungry people were for God. It spurred my desire to share the gospel in my life and changed the way I viewed evangelism. My priorities in life were shifted as the urgency of the gospel and salvation was made clear to me. As senior year started coming to a close, I reflected on all that God had done in these four years. It doesn't need repeating, but Jesus is truly miraculous. The friends I have made I will cherish in my heart, for they lived life with me for these past four years and we saw each other grow up and mature in Christ. Even now, when we are further apart and on our own paths, our fellowship still connects us together.

Then came one of the hardest decisions of my life, moving to Dallas. I was unsure about it for many reasons, and even to this day I'm not sure I had a clear idea this was the right thing to do. All I know is that I felt like God was telling me that I can leave Houston, that there is more to life than what I find comfortable in this world. It didn't seem like things would be great in the first couple of months. No close friends, no strong fellowship, no family next door, but God showed me again and again that he was all I needed, my sole Provider. All those things I found comfort and joy in disappeared and Jesus was the only one left. In my lowest points, I contemplated a lot of things -- dropping out, running away back to Houston, switching careers and going into seminary, taking my life (very very brief consideration) -- but I was reminded through his word that everything that was bringing me down was all rooted in sin. This desire to have my needs fulfilled by those around me -- fellowship, community, acceptance -- was all being satisfied by Jesus, and what I needed to do was to look toward the needs of others and use God's power to fulfill them. God picked up me from the pit I dug myself into. He has shown me that this is where he wants me, med school is where I need to be, and Dallas is where I will serve for the next four years or more of my life.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. - Proverbs 3:3


I love how we all know stuff about God because the Bible tells us, but it's awesome when you have experienced that quality of God firsthand. It really is like a scavenger hunt for God (or as P. Fred likes to call it, "God hunt"), and as we find more and more of him, we get closer and closer to our ultimate prize awaiting us in heaven.

At the beginning of this year I wrote down promises (i.e. resolutions) I made to God. Although I didn't keep a lot of them, I am thankful for the ones I have been able to keep relatively well:
- to treat my parents with respect and kindness
- to read the Word every day (give or take a few days) and apply part of it to my life
- to pray earnestly for those around me and be honest to God when I don't feel like praying
- to serve consistently in one area of ministry
- to always be kingdom-minded

There were lots of ups and downs, but my Lord is my rock and my strength. His love endures forever.

resolving conflict

I don't usually have conflicts with people, and when I do I tend to be the accommodating type where I will let them be happy if it means that I won't. It really isn't a healthy way of resolving conflict because it feeds into a "people pleaser" mentality. It also prevents me from really speaking up about what I want, almost to the point that it's natural for me to not say anything unless I am specifically asked. It also causes me to store up judgment in my heart against the things I disagree with or wish went another way. So in the end I hurt myself spiritually by allowing that sin to develop in my heart. Sadly, even though I know this is true, it's hard for me to change. Like today, I sat in on a Sunday school class on resolving conflict (which is what got me thinking about this), and as I was sitting there, I kept thinking about things that I could have said, should have said but didn't. Things that I think would have benefited others, but I didn't want to offend anyone. Being the "new girl" in town I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. This situation occurs more often than I would like. But each time, I never take the initiative to say anything. I'm scared of sounding prideful, 'holier than thou', or like I know more than they do, which I don't, but I can't quite discern when it is right to speak the truth in love. The Bible says we should always do that in order to build up the body of Christ (Eph 4:15-16); however, I think the hard part is for people to take what you say in love. Truth hurts, and even when said in love, it can still sting. Maybe I have been so reserved in my speech here because I don't know the other person well enough to know how they would take it. And, no, that's not a legit excuse; it's definitely something I need to work on and pray more about. Jesus was never on earth to please people; he offended more people than he pleased. He lived for a higher purpose to glorify God above all things, and I need to break away from myself and do that too.